The See Saw

Excerpts from:

The Rum Tum Tugger by T. S. Eliot

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:

When you let him in, then he wants to be out;

He's always on the wrong side of every door,

And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about.

He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,

But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out.

Tugger was a curious cat who never seemed to be satisfied with his lot in life, on the wrong side of every door.  This is how I'm feeling. 

I made the decision to send Jakes to live with his dad and I think a part of me didn't think it would really happen.  I mean, JF hasn't exactly been there to help with things previously.

JF hadn't gotten back to me about any of this or a time frame for changing custody.  I think he was waiting for me to change my mind.  I sent a message to him today asking when he wanted Jakes to move in with him.  Since he can't get a larger apartment until the end of October, we decided that Jakes will move in with him and start school on Halloween.

This is what I wanted.  This is what Jakes and I NEED in order to have a good relationship.  I need a break from dealing with his attitudes and disabilities alone all these years.

But like Tugger on the wrong side of the door, I'm having doubts that this is REALLY the thing I want to do.  Am I really ready to take a break from being a full time mom?  Am I really ready to give up the control of making the decisions on everything regarding Jakes?  Am I really ready to accept this?

Earlier this week, I contacted Youth Case Management to set us up for a needs assessement.  10 minutes before JF got back to me, the therapist called to set up an appointment.  If we qualify for their services (and I can't imagine that we wouldn't) this could give us another chance to make it work between us.  But, do I have it in me for another round?  Would it truly be what is best for Jakes?

I fought like MAD to make my marriage work, only to find out how much happier and healthier I can be on my own.  If I continue to try to find ways of making this work between Jakes and I, could I only be postponing the inevitable and making things worse between Jakes and I?

Yes, I am looking forward to peace in my home and not having to fight Jakes for EVERYTHING.  I am not looking forward to being even more alone in my own home.  I am looking forward to the break I will have, the less stress in my home, not having to run all over the place for Drs appointments, the therapy appointments, etc.

Yes, there is some doubt that what I am really and truly doing what is best for Jakes.  I think it is what's best for him and for myself at this point in our lives.  There is no way to know what the future holds and if this is the "right" thing to do.  I think its the right thing to do at this point in our life.  And it doesn't have to be permanent.

if you want to see Rum Tum Tugger in action, click here and check out that pelvis action!  oh baby!  swoon!

I Have ADD - Tuesday Ramblings

This is going to a short and sweet entry.  I have not been able to concentrate on anything for long periods of time.  I even downloaded a Clive Cussler book from the library that is not keeping my attention.  Couldn't be because of all I have on my mind, could it?

Dad got good news, health wise.  He had a colonoscopy where they removed 8 polyps. None of which were cancerous!  Wonderful news!  ESM had a colonoscopy as well and only had one polyp.  She's still waiting for the pathology to come back.  I get to go for a colonoscopy in December.  sigh........

I went to my Mom's best friends home for a visit over the weekend.  When Mom was dying she said that Judy was to take over being Jakes grandmom.  And she has!  She has also taken over being Mom to me.  I got lots of comfort from Judy this past weekend.  She and I can share memories and stories of Mom and I like that.  I needed Mom this past week.

Jakes went to his other grandparents, Mam and Pop-pop's on Friday and his father picked him up from there on Saturday.  Fortunately, his father was willing to help me out by separating Jakes and I this weekend.  Even if he wasn't, I was going to call Mam and Pop-pop to take Jakes.

On Monday morning, I called the In-home therapy people to get set up for a needs assessment.  Hopefully, we'll qualify for Youth Case Management, which will open lots of doors for services and supports for us.

This doesn't mean that I have changed my mind about Jakes living with his father.  This is so that hopefully Jakes and I can get along until his father has moved and made the changes necessary to take him.  Also, if things don't work out at his fathers, we will have the needs assessment completed and can pick up from there.

It seems that Jakes and his father have their own agenda for this situation.  It seems that JF thinks that I'll settle down and change my mind.  AND he's said so to Jakes.  That's why Jakes doesn't think he's moving.  Guess its time to step up my nagging of JF, ask where he is on moving and such.  And share the info about the boarding school.

Right now, all I want is to get Jakes sent to his fathers and for me to run away to AZ, permanently.  Of course, there are many complications in that scenario as well.  sigh.

Above all else, I want to find happiness in my life.  I can't remember when I felt happiness.  When do I get my turn?  Why does it seem that my idea of happiness for myself has to be without Jakes?  Questions to ponder.

Sunday Check In

Just a quickie to say I'm doing ok.  After the turmoil of last week, I'm okay.  I am not regretting my decision to send Jakes to live with his father because I do think it whats best for Jakes.  I am regretting that I'll have to pay child support and the impact that's going to have on my way of life.  Selfish, I know.

Jakes is spending the weekend with his father, even though its my weekend.  Jakes and I needed to be separated.  I ran away to a friends house for yesterday.  It was nice to leave everything behind and relax.  Judy is Mom's best friend and she has become a mom to me.  I unloaded everything to her and she helped to reassure me that its probably for the best.

My Dad understands that I feel I need a break from Jakes and supports that I think this is for the best.  But he doesn't think that JF will take Jakes.  Yes, he's said that he would but JF has failed me and Jakes many times before.  So, Dad has a point.  I need to keep my feet on the ground and accept that there is the possibility that Jakes might not leave me.

I need to come up with an alternative plan.  I have dug out the paperwork from the in-home therapists and am prepared to call them back into the picture if necessary.  I have looked up a residential school where two of my cousins graduated.  They had great experiences there.  That's an option, possibly.

I have contacted my therapist to give her a heads up on the situation and that I might need to come back to her.  I don't think I need her right now but I will be paying attention to how I feel.  When I want to hide under my desk, then I know I need her and maybe to increase my meds.

So for now, I am fine. 

Amazing Stuff That Floats By My House

I have written before about living on The River and all that comes with it.  We have lovely, peaceful mornings.  We have floods and animals, such as the baby eel that I picked up and the crabs that come from the meadow during high tides.  We've had Santa pull up to the beach around Christmas time.  We have a sand bar out front at low tide that Jaxon and Jacob love to play on. And we have wave action during storms.

Lovely boats sail by all the time. We also loose the beach in the winter.  Brrrrrr  And the Geesy's love to come and feast on the corn we put out.

Lots of differnt things to look for.  Last weekend I saw something VERY strange.

This floated by.
What is it?



A piece of land, with trees growing and everything

Never a dull moment on the River!

The Decision Has Been Made

I was actually very proud of myself because lately, there hasn't been much turmoil in my life to blog about.  Jakes and I had been doing pretty well, just the normal butting of heads, nothing much to worry about.  JF has been quiet and cooperative.

Since school has started, Jakes and I have been butting heads more often over his school work.  He doesn't think that I should monitor it.  He says that he can do it.  And when I talk to him about missing assignments or failing grades, he gets hostile, mean and this morning, violent.

Earlier this week, I was able to talk with him calmly to explain that I am legally responsible for monitoring his work.  But that if he is actually doing the work and getting passing grades, I wouldn't have to nag him about it.  It would be like I'm not monitoring him at all.  He said that he understood and that he could do it and make the passing grades.  I told him that's great, now show me.

I haven't checked his grades for a couple of days, he said he didn't have homework, other than reading.  I told him I wanted the reading done before we go away on Saturday and he said he'd get it done.

This morning, his reading folder was on the kitchen counter and I looked to see how many lines he has.  Only 2 out of 20.  I told him he needs to get reading or we weren't going away this weekend and I would cancel his riding lesson as well.  He got mad and started yelling at me.  I sent him to his room. 

While there, I checked the grades online and he's failing 2 classes because of not turning in homework. When he came out of his room, I mentioned that he has assignments to turn in and he flipped out.  Instead of walking away, I flipped right back at him.

Leaving out lots of details, we ended up in a power struggle, with him pushing me, me pushing him back and lots of screaming.  I told him I was calling the child welfare office to report this and get their assistance in transferring custody to his father.  I told him to get his school stuff and get out of my house.

I was wrong for not walking away, but I am SO sick and tired of the power struggle between us.  He thinks he is in charge and won't accept that he's not.  I've tried to explain it to him when we're both calm and of course I've screamed it at him.  I've done therapy with him, without him. I've done family stabilization programs, in home therapies.  I'm on medication, he's on medication.  And I don't know where else to turn for help.

Its time for his father to step up and be a father.  I do not feel safe in the home with my child anymore.  I should not have to be treated this way by my child.  My child should not be treated this way by me.  I have done everything I know how in order to make life better for my child and myself.  I think at this point, the only way to salvage my relationship with my child is to let him go.

Animals in My Home

Last month, I introduced Shadow to the Nest.  He's settled in very nicely.  Shadow is still a lovebug and gets along very well with Jaxon.  They run back and forth chasing each other.  Shadow even plays ball with Jaxon.

Play Ball

Shadow loves to snuggle up with me at night.  I have to scratch him all over, even his belly, then when he's ready to fall asleep, he puts his paw in my hand and I have to hold his paw while he drifts off.  Too cute!

Shadow Chillin'

The Vet says that he is about 2 yrs old and needs to be fixed.  We'll get to that.  He has a scratch on his cornea that needs eye drops but he's so good about letting us put them in.  When the vet prescribed the drops he hinted that it would be hard to put them in.  Shadow jumps on my bed and lays down.  He doesn't like having them put in, but he doesn't fight me or Jakes to put them in.  Of course, he knows that he'll get lots of scratches and loving while we're doing it. 

Really Mom?  Get outta my face

Kitters seems to have accepted Shadow.  They can at least be in the same room together without hissing and growling.  Saylors on the other hand is still complaining to him when she sees him.  She is what I call my high maintenance kitty and took longer to warm up to Jaxon.  I know she will eventually.

My ball!

Overall, I'm thrilled with having Shadow added to the family.  He's been a good addition.

Sounds in My House

Sniff. Sniff. Cough. Cough. Aaaaaaachoooooooooo. Honk honk. Plop. Plop. Fizz. Fizz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz zzz zzz zzz.

End if summer colds Bite the big one.