The Move

Well, the move happened this weekend, even during the nasty rain/snow/sleet storm we had on Saturday.  Because of the storm, not all of Jakes stuff could go.  His clothes and the important toys and the crabs went with him.  He'll have to take the rest of it next weekend.

I cried.  Not a lot.  And not while Jakes was still here.  I told him I loved him and I would miss him.  I will see him on Friday for the entire weekend.

After he left, I got Teddy out and crawled into bed for a good cry. Teddy has been with me since before I was born.  He's a little worse for wear but I keep him in a bag in my closet for the hard days or nights.  He knows all my secrets, holds all my tears and is there when I need a hug.

As I lay in bed crying, I was also thinking of my failure as a mother.  You have all been so wonderfully supportive in my decision and in reminding me that I have not failed.  Part of me agrees with that but there is another part, my heart, that needs to find a way to make peace with that fact.  I am hoping to do that here today.

I had a very hard time accepting that I didn't fail at my marriage.  With counseling, I was able to accept that while the marriage failed, it wasn't completely my failure.  With Kate's help, I was able to change my thinking about the failure of the marriage.  And to realize that the divorce was for the better for myself and Jakes.  So, I have to change my thinking about this situation with Jakes.

My vision of the "right" family make-up comes from my own growing up.  Two parents in the home, kids, everyone getting along.  Most of the kids I grew up with had both parents in the home, no divorces and sharing of the kids.

I had reconciled myself to being a single mom, sort of.  I was going to make the best of it anyway.  Being without my ex was better for me, the mental abuse was no longer there.  Jakes was still seeing his father on weekends and holidays. 

These days, the roles of parents are completely different from the "traditional" roles that I grew up seeing.  There are step-parents, stay-at-home-moms and increasingly more stay-at-home-dads.  More and more fathers are stepping up to be more involved in their children's lives, they see parenting as part of their identity, just as women see being a mother as part of their identities.

When I was growing up, I never imagined that I would have kids of my own.  I was never a "kid" person, I babysat my cousins and that was a good reminder of why I didn't want kids of my own.  When I decided to get pregnant with Jakes, it was because my mom was dying and I hoped she would get to see her first grandchild.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision to bring Jakes into this world.  I love him with all my being and soul.

I am going to change how I think of motherhood. Maybe my current belief that the child always belongs with the mother is outdated and wrong for my child.  There is a good possibility that I was not meant to be the traditional mother.  The mother that participates as room mother at school and goes on all the field trips.  I know I could never be happy as a stay at home mom.  Maybe with my temperament and Jakes special needs, I will be a better mother to him when I am not his full time mother.

Its time to think outside the "traditional" box.  Its time to embrace my new role in Jakes life and make the best of it.  If I can make the best of it, he stands a better chance of success as well.

Hugs

I have been on my own for over 6 years now.  There has never been a steady guy that I've brought home since the divorce.  I've done all this on my own, with the support of my wonderful family and friends.

There have been several crisis's where I have wished I had someone, anyone who was there with me to just hold me while I cried.  Many times, I have wished for my mommy.

About two weeks ago, I went and signed residential custody of my son over to his father.  I didn't take any time off work, I even had to leave the courthouse before everything was completed in order to make a meeting at work.  This was a very traumatic day for me.  Almost as traumatic as the day of my divorce.  I'm very thankful that Neicy was at the divorce and she hugged me tight when everything was done.

The company I work for has about 75 employees in 6 different sites.  I work in the one closest to my home, fortunately.  We have a clinical director who is a nun.  She has been a nun since she was 18.  I helped her to plan her 50th Jubilee a couple of years ago.  Sister Anne is the most compassionate and loving person you'd ever meet.  She is understanding and helpful.  I love her to death!  I'd do anything for her.

Two weeks ago, when I walked into Headquarters, the first thing Sis said to me is "come here, you need a hug!  What's going on?"  I immediately lost it.  I cried on her shoulder and poured out my heart to her.

It was so nice to have someone there to support me, physically as well as emotionally. Human touch is so important to the mental and emotional health.  Human touch is something that is missing in my life somewhat.

I have wonderful parents who live right upstairs from me but we are not hug-y people.  Neicy and I are close like sisters, but again, not hug-y people.  Maybe its time to change that.  No maybe's about it.  Its time to change that.  With everyone in my life.

Fragmented Friday

I woke up this morning to do the Friday Happy Dance.  Woo ho!  Its been a long boring week.

It got COLD last night!  I actually closed all the windows and turned the heat on.  brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr   But then, it is almost November.

Speaking of November, I can't WAIT for Thanksgiving.  I'm going to AZ for TWO WEEKS at Thanksgiving time!  Woo ho!  I ordered my plane tickets yesterday.  Happiness!  He and I are both looking forward to the visit.  :)

Jakes is all packed and ready for his move to his fathers.  Its supposed to happen on Saturday and the last I looked it's supposed to rain on Saturday.  So it might have to wait until Sunday.  But he's all packed and ready to go.

I'm ready for him to go as well.  We had another knock-down / drag-out fight this week.  All over a light bulb.  Don't ask.  I asked and he hit the ceiling and it went from there.  He thinks that because he's leaving for his fathers, that I don't have the right to parent him anymore.  Yes, he said that to me.  ouch.

But for my own support when he leaves, I have Neicy on standby to come over and coax me from under my desk (my favorite place to hide when I'm feeling badly), I've given myself Sunday to wallow but on Monday I will work toward my new normal.  I also have an appointment with my therapist on Monday.

I've been making changes to help my budget.  Not only am I loosing the child support that was paid to me for Jakes, but I have to pay his father.  That's a BIG chunk of money out of my budget.  I've canceled Cable and the Phone.  I've canceled the satellite radio and I'm looking through my recipes so I can start cooking at home.

Jakes and I have taken to eating out quite a bit.  So eating at home will probably help my waistline!  Its all good.

I completed my Halloween Costume this morning.  The Compound Peeps are dressing up and going to listen to Tunes from the Crypt at a local church.  A fabulous organist plays spookie tunes on the ancient organ in the historic church.  ESMand I have always dressed up for the performance.  This year, the organist emailed ESM and asked if we were going to do it again this year.  Of course!  And we're bringing reinforcements!

It promises to be a good weekend around here.  Hope you all have wonderful plans as well!  See ya Monday!

Let's Talk Cimicidae

Yes, I want to talk about Cimicidae, or more commonly known as BED BUGS. Shiver……


They live in bedding and other places where people sleep. They like to live there because they like to feed on warm blooded animals. Shiver, again………..

Bed Bug

image taken from Wikipedia

I don’t know if you remember reading the news recently on the troubles Bed Bugs have been causing in various hotels everywhere. They have become a bane to the hotel industry everywhere.

When Neicy and I trekked to TN, we had picked out a couple of hotels near the hospital. As we got nearer the City, we started discussing where to stay and Neicy nixed the Super 8, just because they are “like a Motel 6”. Ok. I won’t argue. I just want to get out of the car and into bed with a glass of wine……

So we headed to the Comfort Inn down the street from the Super 8. Walking into the lobby, all you can smell is incense. Pee-u. But they had availability and offered a hospital discount because that’s why we were in town. We grabbed the room key and our luggage.

While we are sitting on our beds checking in with relative and our emails, she notices a bug. It was HUGE. It was walking on the top of the bedspread. We discussed briefly if we thought it was a bed bug, I looked up a picture and we decided, Nah, its ok.

A few minutes later, she found another one. Then another. Oh gross! Its time to go! I don’t think we’ve ever packed so quickly! We ran over to the office and got our money back. We headed down the street to the Super 8.

The Super 8 was lovely. It smelled clean; the front desk person was wonderful and offered a discounted room. When we got to our room, we immediately pulled the blankets back to see if there were any bugs there. They were clean.

Thank God!

This, of course, became another joke for us to share and giggle at, along with Flipping-A-B*tch, VA.  And Neicy won't be thunbing her nose at Super 8 again!


*****  I was not reimbursed by anyone for this post.  But if Super8 wants to reward me and Neicy with a free stay somewhere, bring it on!*****

Counting Down

The decision for Jakes to go live with his father has been made, the papers signed and the boxes are being packed.  After Days and Days of waffling and worrying that I'm making the right decision, I finally reconciled myself that its for the best.

Now the count down is on.  Jakes is moving with his dad this coming weekend.  He's started packing and has been listing all this wonderful things he's going to have at his dad's that he doesn't have with me.  A TV, a Stereo, and a cell phone of his own.  A little bribery?  Or just a bunch of stuff that can be taken away for misbehaviors?

Lately, I've been angry. I can't figure out who I'm angry at.  I've been taking it out on everyone in my house and the compound.  Which is not fair to them. 

Part of me is angry at myself, for failing to provide the happy and healthy environment for Jakes.  I can't help but think there had to be something else I could have done to keep this from happening.  Not that I can come up with anything else to do...... 

Part of me is angry at Jakes for not complying with the rules and the therapies we've tried.  I feel like he has purposely sabotaged everything in order to be allowed to move to his fathers house.

I'm angry at his father too.  He has never done anything to help with the raising of Jakes.  Not even when I've told him that I was struggling and needed his help.  He's so egotistical that he doesn't think he will have the same problems with Jakes that I've had.  He actually said that to me.

Part of me hopes that this move will be the best thing I've ever done for Jakes.  Its not what I want but its what I think is best for Jakes at this point.  What I want is irrelevant right now.  As his mother, I have to think and do what is best for him.

Part of me also hopes that Jakes continues his behaviors with his father and that his father struggles the same way I have.  That's the vindictive side of me and is not what is best for Jakes.  But it sure would be fun to see his father struggle and have that ego taken down a few pegs by his kid!

I am angry that I am not getting what I want, what I dreamed for my life.  I've had my marriage taken from me and now I'm loosing my child.  What else am I going to fail at?

Flip-A-B*tch, VA and The Ring

Neicy and I are probably the best traveling partners ever.  We each have skills and needs that compliment the other.  When we traveled to Hawaii together, it was The Best vacation I've ever had.  It was relaxing but we were still on the go everyday, enjoying the sights and being in Hawaii.  When Neicy and I travel together, we LOVE to eat yummy, local food places.

When we decide we're going somewhere together, I usually make the travel arrangements, such as plane and hotel stuff.  Neicy will check out the local food scene.    Our recent trip to TN was kind of a last minute decision to go.  One that I will never regret doing and I wouldn't have been anywhere else but by her side!  Love ya, Neicy!

Once we definitely decided to go to TN, I started looking for hotels.  I didn't have to worry about how we were getting there, we had an address and a GPS for that. Neicy started looking for places to eat.  We figured we'd eat at fast food places on the drive but figured we'd have a couple of nights in TN to have good food. 

On the drive down, we stopped in Virginia, just off I-66 for lunch.  It was a local grille place that had yummy sandwiches.  Lunch finished and facilities used, we hit the road again.  The weather cleared up, traffic thinned and it was a lovely drive.  All of a sudden, Neicy gasped.  She realized that she had left her Tiffany ring in the bathroom where we had lunch!  YIKES!

I grabbed my cell phone and got the phone number for the place, called them and they HAD THE RING!  Woo ho!  Neicy immediately Flipped-A-B*tch.

Do you know what that is?  A big ole U-turn.  Usually, when Neicy and I are out and I'm driving, we have to do several of them!  I am a driver that follows my patterns and if we try to deviate from them, we have to Flip-A-B*tch.  Its become a joke between us.

Of course, the one in Virginia was the biggest we'd ever had to do. We were over an hour from the lunch stop.  But it was a Tiffany Ring and they had it.  We were going BACK.

I was VERY amused by this situation.  And once she knew the ring was safe, Neicy was too.  I also have a LOT of free Flip-A-B*tches coming my way!

End of story, we got the ring, got to use the facilities again, got lots of giggles, and got to TN about 3 hours later than planned.

My Dear Letters

I've seen Amber over at Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock at a Time before and hers are hilarious!


Dear Shadow,

I'm so sorry for stepping on you last night.  I thought you were, um well, a shadow and my eyes weren't exactly open at 3 am.  You do blend in so well!

Sorry for your pain,
Momma



Dear Son,

I know you are moving away and you are an angry teenager, but it would have been nice for you to TELL me you missed the bus and needed a ride to school this morning.  Sitting on the couch, pouting won't get you to school.

Mean Mom




Dear Gas Stations,

Why is it that you feel the need to jack your prices up so many times each day?  I'm so confused and broke.


Wishing it were cheaper.
AmyLK



Dear M&M's World,

Did I tell you that I LOVE you?  You are my happiest place on earth!  The heck with Disney, I'll take M&M's over there ANYDAY!

Totally in Love
AmyLK

The Theatre, The Theatre

***i hit publish by accident. Forgive the errors! ***


One day Jesse came home from school to find her mom listening to her Walkman. When Jesse asked her what she was listening to, mom handed the headphones over. Mom started the tape from the beginning and it was a guy holding an auction. As the script progressed a man started singing softly...... "a collectors piece, indeed... Every detail exactly as it was....". When he finished singing the auctioneer came on again. "lot 666.... A chandelier in pieces. Said to be the cause of The Disaster."

And the music exploded in jesse's ears. It was Phantom of the Opera and from that day on Jesse was hooked.

Jesse and her mom had already been to see the play Cats and were making plans to see Les Miserables. Since Jesse and Jon were involved in theatre at school, Jesse shared her interests and opportunities to see the plays with him. They went with jesses mom and her friend to see a couple of shows and really enjoyed them.

Together, Jesse and Jon agreed that while Cats was a wonderful play their ultimate favorite was Les Miserables. But that could be because Jesse saw it on broadway in New York City.

For jesse's high school graduation her parents gave her tickets to see phantom on broadway. By then Jesse and Jon had broken up but her mom still included him in the invite to go to NYC. Jesse, her brother Mike and Jon ended up driving to NYC while her mother and her best friend took the train to the city. It was a long uncomfortable car ride for Jesse. Not only was she still uncomfortable around Jon but Kyle had given her a hard time for going with them instead of taking the train with her mother.

But they arrived in the city, did a little exploring and saw phantom. They had wonderful seats, orchestra center about 10 rows back from the stage. When the chandelier fell, Jesse actually ducked!

That was the last play Jesse and Jon attended together. Jesse and her mom went to several more and had made plans to go see another one when her mom got sick.

After her mom passed, Jesse was busy with a newborn, a lost father and a failing marriage. Not to mention, Kyle didn't like the Broadway musicals. He only one she knew who did was Jon. And that was impossible right now.

Years later, after the newborn was a teenager, the father was happily remarried, and the divorce was finalized, Jesse and Jon found each other again. They became friends again, remembering good times and bad. Jon said he really missed going to plays and the theatre. Jesse told him she hadn't been to one since her mother passed.

Jesse had a chance to go to NYC and see the play Wicked. It was an amazing trip with her Best friend, Kate. They explored the city, had yummy food and saw the play. While sitting in the theatre waiting for the show to start, Jesse really missed her mother. She even shed a few tears thinking how much her mother would have enjoyed the show. Jesse also thought how much she missed Jon sitting beside her.

Maybe in the future they'd have the opportunity to go to NYC and see a show together......

Its Curtains - WW

Shadow

The Trip

Neicy and I took off this past weekend to Tennessee.  It was a sad reason for a road trip, a friend of ours is dying and we had to say good-bye.  But we had some lovely scenery to view on the drive, as well as just leaving our problems behind.



If you enlarge this, it says Naked Mountain Winery.
We're going back to sample their wines!



Just off I-81.
Beautiful!



I-81 was ENDLESS!
But lots to see



This is Endless Caverns in the Mountainside
We're going back to check this out too



We stopped and hiked in Bays Mountain Park, TN
Its a lovely area.



On the way out of the Park

Overall, it was a good quick get a way that has given us a plan for lots of other things to go and see.

Death of a Sock Monkey

Jaxon LOVES stuffed animals, especially Monkeys

He likes to toss his head around, making the animal hit his head. 

Then he starts chewing on the toy.

Eventually I come to find THIS:

I didn't do it Momma!



Dead Sock Monkey

At least EMS only gets then cheap at Yard Sales!

Sunday Check In - Briefly

Its been a wild weekend!  Neicy and I took a road trip, more details to follow this week.  The road trip was a success!



I'm feeling a depression coming on.  More on that later too. sigh.





But I'm here.  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

The Funeral - A Short Story

Jesse walked up the steps to the funeral home with her husband Kyle, brother, and father. They were there to view her mother laid out in the casket. Jesse was also three days from her due date of giving birth to her first child.

In addition, over the past couple of days, she has felt some cramping and contractions. However, she didn’t say anything to her father. He had enough to deal with on this day.

After the family approved the arrangements, the doors were opened for family and friends to pay their respects. Jesse wandered around, greeting old friends and being hugged to death by family. Of course, everyone wanted to feel her pregnant belly.

Wherever Jesse went, the funeral directors wife was not far behind. Jesse was amused by this. She figured that they might view giving birth in a place of death would not be very lucky for either party.

For most of the evening, Kyle had parked himself in a chair and didn’t seem very concerned about his wife. At one point, Jesse turned around and almost stepped on Kyle, he’d snuck up behind her. Jesse moved away from him to greet other friends and Kyle followed. She couldn’t figure out why all the sudden he was her shadow.

When Jesse looked around, she saw her brother talking with Jon. Jesse froze. Her heart quickened and she was very nervous. Jon made sure to stay away from Jesse but his eyes didn’t leave her while he was talking to her brother.

Jesse didn’t see anyone there with Jon. He came alone. Jesse knew he’d gotten married and had a little boy. She also knew things weren’t good between he and his wife. But with Kyle hovering around her, there was no way Jesse would be able to get a private word in with Jon.

Just knowing he cared enough about her mother to stop by made Jesse happy.

Toes in the Water -WW

Introducing Mia to the River

Its Done

I did it. I meet JF at our courthouse and we signed the consent order giving my son away.

And That's all I have.

More later.

Sunday Check In On Monday

I love three day weekends!  When there is a Monday Holiday, we get to leave work at 2:00 pm on Fridays.  Lovely little perk! 

Its been a beautiful weekend, weather-wise and just in general.  Jakes and I went to the local Tack Shop to get him riding boots and a helmet.  OUCH.  Talk about expensive.  But, the good news is that they will last a while. 

On Saturday, Jakes cooperated in getting his reading completed and we went to the movies together.  We saw Dolphin Tales and Jakes LOVED it.  It was a movie right up his alley.  Winter is a lovely and brave dolphin and the kids who helped her are amazing examples of being able to share their love with Winter.

On Sunday, Jakes and I got caught up with housework and we had what will probably be our final cookout of the season with the Compound.  Everyone made something and we all shared in good food and good company.  I'd like to think we'll have good weather for more cookouts before next spring but you never know with fall and winter weather.

Tomorrow its back to work and I'm supposed to meet JF at the courthouse to sign away my baby.  Wish me strength for that.

Fragments on Friday

I have been sharing my bed with someone the past couple of weeks.  A four legged, furry friend.  My little Kitters hurt his paw while roaming outside and I don't want to let him back outside until he can walk right on it.  He's getting better and moving around better, but he's not ready to leave the nest yet.  So he's been taking advantage of my compassionate heart and sleeping in my bed.  Of course, where Kitters goes, so does Saylors, the girl kitty.  That's two four legged friends so far.

Then Shadow will come and snuggle up with us too.  Count 'em three four legged friends.  Jaxon spends time trying to jump on the bed and eventually makes it up.  A total of FOUR 4 legged friends in my little bed.  Its time to toss everyone out of the bed so I can stretch out and get some sleep.

**********

I have Jakes this weekend.  There is going to be some repairmen at the house first thing tomorrow morning.  UGH.  No sleeping in for us!  But the repairs have to be done.  I'm also planning to take Jakes to the movies, then we'll stop for dinner someplace tomorrow afternoon.  I'm hoping for a good day!

**********

The discussion between JF and I about the custody and visitation changes did not go well.  I had asked for LOTS of visitation time with Jakes and JF didn't like that.  He tried to bully me into doing what he wanted.  He threatened court and to call our case worker.  I said to go ahead!  What judge won't give a mother as much visitation time as she is asking for, especially when the father is working?  And I've kept the case worker in the loop for everything that's been going on.

I do find it funny that he lied to the case worker about being off on Saturdays as well as complaining about having to get a bigger apartment.  He was told in April that he was to provide a bedroom for Jakes, even before we considered changing custody.  OH! And he also told me to remember that I came to HIM.  Like he's doing me a favor. HA!

I didn't get mad at him; I actually thought it was funny that he was the one that got mad and acted like an idiot.

Oh well, we managed to work through things and come up with an acceptable agreement.  Hopefully, we'll be able to meet on Tuesday and sign the papers.

**********

I am hoping to take some time at Thanksgiving to take a trip to AZ.  Depends on how much the cost of a plane ticket will cost.  If you know of a good place to get cheap flights through, let me know!

AZ and I have been chatting lots and sharing memories from the past.  We'll have to see where things go, if anywhere. 

He's been dealing with some health issues recently, scary stuff when your out there by yourself with very few friends.  He's taking years off his mom's life with everything going on out there.

**********

Its going to be lovely weather round here this weekend. With Monday off, maybe Jakes and I will decorate for Halloween!  I hope everyone else has wonderful weather and enjoys their weekend!

Light Hearted and Hopeful

I sit here in my office this afternoon feeling almost happy.  Kinda light hearted.  See the decision has been made, the details hammered out and the appointment made to sign the papers.

My Son, who I love with all my being, is going to go live with his father.  Yes, I can actually say and write that without breaking down.

After countless hours of pondering, bouncing back and forth on my decision, and weighing the pros and cons of the situation, I know in my heart and my head that this is the best option I have available for Jakes and myself.  Jakes will get the opportunity to live with his father, get to spend lots of quality time with him and get to know him on a level different than "weekend father."  I will get a much needed break from everything I've had to do with my moody, pre-teen, Aspergers with ADHD and now epilepsy son. 

Jakes and I will have the chance to be together without all the schedules and homework and hopefully this will cut down on our arguments.  I am seeing this as a chance to have a relationship with my son.  Not a situation where I have to nag him to get stuff done and do this and don't do that.  I'm sure there will be some of that, but for the most part I am hoping to just BE with Jakes.

Once we (myself and JF) hammered out all the details, with meltdowns and temper tantrums included, I am starting to feel pretty good about this situation.  I know that in his way, which is different than mine, JF loves Jakes and wants the best for him. I know that no harm will come to Jakes while in his fathers care.  And JF knows that only God will be able to help him, if something does happen to Jakes.

I am not planning to run out on Jakes.  I will have him for most weekends and on the weekends where I don't have him, I will see him on Fridays for dinner.  I have put wording in the proposal that I'm to be notified of Drs appointments, school meetings and other stuff.  I can chose if I can/want attend these functions.

JF had expected that we would just reverse the roles we are playing now.  Once I convinced him that I want more and that I was willing to fight for more in court, he made a final proposal that was acceptable to me.  I am hoping that Jakes will want to spend some summers with me.  I don't know that I want him to move back, but if things don't work out at his fathers, I will take him.

But overall, I am feeling hopeful about my future with my son.  It may not be the way I envisioned when he was born, but things change and you have to go with the flow........

The Wedding - A Short Story

The many months of preparations were about to pay off. All the phone calls and meetings with the planners, photographers, and florists were coming together to make a beautiful wedding for Jesse and Kyle.

Jesse was standing in her dining room watching her mother pin a corsage on her fathers’ lapel. The photographer snapped the picture for posterity and the wedding album. Her mother beamed at her father, the love shining on their faces. Exactly what Jesse was hoping for in her marriage today. Once all the pictures were taken, Cassie helped Jesse in the van that would take them to the church.

At the church, with Cassie’s help again, Jesse exited the van and stood on the sidewalk, shaking out her dress. Cassie draped the train over Jesse’s arm and handed her the flowers to carry.

Jesse took a minute to look around the neighborhood. She was standing outside the small church where she was baptized. On the other side of the street stood the house where Jon had grown up and his parents still lived. Jesse stared at the house, almost wishing that Jon was there, watching her, waiting to see her and hoping he would come and proclaim his love for her.

The house looked empty. Jesse took a deep breath and went up the steps to the church. She walked toward her future, her lifetime of happiness.  But at the same time walking away from a past love, one that might have been the greatest love of her life.

Once inside and on Uncle Don’s arm walking down the aisle, Jesse forgot about Jon. She walked with her head up and smiling toward Kyle, her soon to be husband.

It was a lovely uninterrupted ceremony, meant to join two people together for life.

Feeling a Little Crabby

We were invaded a couple weeks ago by little fiddler crabs.  They keep coming back when we have flooding high tides.

Jakes decided he wanted to see if we could catch a couple and put them in our fish tank.  We currently have 6 of them in there.  Three males, with the big claws and three females.  Plus we have three little baby blue claw crabs that we found on the beach this summer.



Male Fiddler Crab



They like to hide in the ship.

Jakes will be taking them to his fathers with him.  Which makes me happy because I don't have to worry about this:

Shadow is keeping a CLOSE eye on them

Sunday Check In

Its been a long week for me.  I know I've been whining a lot on here about Jakes and my decision to send him to live with his father.  But this is my space to whine and writing about my thoughts helps me to organize my mind and work through my feelings. 

This week, Jakes behavior has been much better.  Don't get me wrong, there is still his disrespect and arguments over getting things done, but he's been less argumentative.  He also has been less angry with me. 

He told me he doesn't want to be sent away.  This of course lead to my explaining to him that I'm not sending him away but that I'm trying to give him an opportunity to be happier and have a better relationship with me and his father.  I don't think he bought it.  lol

His admission that he doesn't want to go also raised my motherly protection instincts to their highest levels.  I started questioning whether what I've decided is REALLY the right thing to do.  Jakes asked for my help, he wants me to find a way to help our relationship with him staying with me.  He wants me to "think outside the box".  He wants me to fix it like a mother is supposed to, but so that he gets his way.

I don't know what else to do to help us. I am convinced that his living with his father IS the solution, at least for now.  If things don't work out at his fathers, then we'll think outside the box for another solution.

This fighting instinct resulted in an emergency session with my therapist.  She is wonderful to have fit me in so quickly.  I am getting the same support for my decision across the board, from my therapist, my friends, and my family.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  I have finally accepted that its the best decision for the resources I have at my disposal.  Jakes is going to have a wonderful opportunity to get to know his father, to know what its like to live in a family with a mother figure, a father figure and a sibling.  This is something I cannot give him at this point in our life.  He'll have a male role model (his father) and that's something every 12 year old boy should have, if the opportunity presents itself.

I will still be very active in Jakes life, I will get him every weekend.  I will still be involved in his school career and his medical conditions.

Now to get Jakes to understand all this. And to start packing him up.