Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I have been working the homework that Vickie assigned to me for me. I know why I kept putting it off; because it’s not pleasant. I seem to be able to think more clearly when I can write out my thoughts and of course go back and edit them for accuracy. So here goes but only for a portion of the assignment; I am not ready to delve into the other part yet; this was hard enough.

I probably should define my assignment for you. I am supposed to figure out why I still have so much anger and resentment toward Son’s father. I guess after 4 years, I would have moved on a little bit.

Can I just blame it on genetics? I mean my mothers’ father was the biggest, bullheaded German you’d ever met and he knew how to hold a grudge! For example, he was married before my grandmother and even had a child from his first marriage. My mother and her siblings didn’t know about the marriage or their half sister until after my grandmother died. My grandfather basically walked away from the marriage, paid his support and had nothing to do with his first born. That’s bullheadedness! And that bullheadedness has been passed down through the generations. I don’t remember it in my mother too much but I have seen it in my uncle. So I can present a good case for it being a genetic flaw.

Do you think I am stalling? Maybe a little. This will probably seem like a pity party and yes, I am going to have one for now. When I am done, I will pick myself up and figure out how to work it out.

I was doing a little better with my hatred and resentment of A/H until Son and I started having our problems. Since then my resentment has grown. Mainly because I was SO very tired of dealing with Son on my own, everyday, for everything that was going wrong. And where was his father? Nowhere around. Did he know about the struggles? No. Did he have the same struggles with Son? No.

Why didn’t I tell him you ask? Because when we were married all he did was remind me of the horrible mother I was, how I couldn’t handle it and how everything I did was wrong. Why would I tell him that I am failing just like he said I would? Never would I admit A/H was right about something.

Since we have divorced A/H has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be involved in the day to day raising of our child. I had tried to involve him via email and I never get a response. I have told him about Son’s surgeries, when and where so he could show up. He never does. His life is too important to take time out for his child. It has gotten so that I don't tell him about anything beforehand, just give him the results.  I still haven't told him about the visit to CHOP.  And other than telling  him that I was enrolling Son in therapy, he has no details as to why we are going.

I am tired of being the one to decide if Son needs to go to the Drs and if so, which Dr to take him to. I am tired of being the one the school calls when they have a problem with Son, the one who has to take off of work to go to the child study team meetings, to do the research into better goals for the IEP, the one who has to work on the homework and the school projects. Just plan tired of being the only parent.

I resent the fact that he can live his life without having to worry about his child.  There are times I wish I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, not have to plan my life around babysitters and summer camp schedules.

I DO like the fact that he comes every other weekend to take Son and babysit him. I get a break. I am looking forward to when Son goes for an entire week for vacation! I need that break to be the best mom I can be.

Another resentment I am harboring against him is because he has moved on. He has a girlfriend; someone to share his life with. I have Son. Don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER give up Son but it’s not the same type of relationship.

Recently, a good friend from high school was in the area and we hung out a few times, texted, and flirted a little. I REALLY enjoyed that, the adult friendship, the conversations and the fun. Then my friend went home. And while I miss my friend, what I am missing more is what he reminded me that I don’t have in my life. All because I have not moved on and because I am continue to harbor resentment and hatred. (Friend, thanks for everything! I loved spending time with you!  You will always have a very special place in my heart!)

So. There is my heart. But by acknowledging all this crap, I can talk with Vickie about it and work with her to find a way to let go of my resentment and move my life forward in a positive way.

There will be another post about my hatred but I think that one will wait until Son is not home. That one is going to hurt me to think about, admit and express. Better to unleash that when Son is not around for the aftermath! :)


  1. Oh Amy, I really can't imagine having to handle ALL THAT. EVERY DAY.

    You are such a good mother, anyone who has read your blog can tell how much you care for your son and how you'd do anything for him.

    You have every right to have feelings of resentment or hatred toward the ex. It's not fair! You are doing all the work and he is just reeping the benefits.

    This post really touched me, you are such a strong person! Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you!

  2. There are just so many facets to this that it's no wonder you haven't been able to release it. This is a good first step though!

  3. ALWAYS better to release! Harboring hatred and resentment does more harm to the one doing the harboring than it does to the one being hated and resented. Trust me on this one, I know from personal experience...

  4. Em ... I would totally be angry too in your situation! Sounds tough and exhausting! I find it hard to let things go too sometimes. I hope your therapy sessions are helping you to cope with everything! :)

  5. Wow, I really feel for you and your post captured your resentment well. That said, all that you're expressing sounds perfectly reasonable. I guess the trick is going to be getting past these feelings and finding some peace. I bet it's hard to move on because you never had these feelings validated by son's father. I hold on to things and always need the "I get it; I understand how you're feeling" part, if not the "you're right." Best of luck in this process, but you are doing right by your son and teaching him how to be a good parent.

  6. i think you just completed your homework...well stated...so sorry you find yourself there, but know you have the strength to find your way out as well...i am glad you have someone to help you and son...and i am rather disgusted at A/H...

  7. Regret and resentment will eat you alive for the rest of your life if you do not let it go! Move on and start a new life. You really have no choice, so you might as well make the best of it! Remember, everyones life sucks to some degree, just some of us don't dwell on it quite as much!

  8. Fair enough.
    It could be that Otin is right though. Maybe put those feelings to one side for your own sake. Not forget them but somehow park them.
    They are valid, and from what you say, justified.
    But having the Ex play even the role he currently plays is such a help. (I don't say that to praise him. Far from it.)
    And excuse me from butting in on your life when I don't even know you and your son.

  9. You know reading that... I fully understand why you would have resentment. He is living the life he wants while what you want to do is now dictated by being the responsible one.
    In the long run you will be the one who wins this though. You will have all the memories. All the good and bad times.

  10. your post truly validates the way you feel. even though you may feel "stuck" at anger and resentment, you have moved on in other ways ... even in the tidbits you share on here i can see progress. vickie will be very proud of you. you are so right -- good therapy and good work in sessions is usually pretty unpleasant (but you will reap the rewards!).


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