Resentment

I have been working the homework that Vickie assigned to me for me. I know why I kept putting it off; because it’s not pleasant. I seem to be able to think more clearly when I can write out my thoughts and of course go back and edit them for accuracy. So here goes but only for a portion of the assignment; I am not ready to delve into the other part yet; this was hard enough.

I probably should define my assignment for you. I am supposed to figure out why I still have so much anger and resentment toward Son’s father. I guess after 4 years, I would have moved on a little bit.

Can I just blame it on genetics? I mean my mothers’ father was the biggest, bullheaded German you’d ever met and he knew how to hold a grudge! For example, he was married before my grandmother and even had a child from his first marriage. My mother and her siblings didn’t know about the marriage or their half sister until after my grandmother died. My grandfather basically walked away from the marriage, paid his support and had nothing to do with his first born. That’s bullheadedness! And that bullheadedness has been passed down through the generations. I don’t remember it in my mother too much but I have seen it in my uncle. So I can present a good case for it being a genetic flaw.

Do you think I am stalling? Maybe a little. This will probably seem like a pity party and yes, I am going to have one for now. When I am done, I will pick myself up and figure out how to work it out.

I was doing a little better with my hatred and resentment of A/H until Son and I started having our problems. Since then my resentment has grown. Mainly because I was SO very tired of dealing with Son on my own, everyday, for everything that was going wrong. And where was his father? Nowhere around. Did he know about the struggles? No. Did he have the same struggles with Son? No.

Why didn’t I tell him you ask? Because when we were married all he did was remind me of the horrible mother I was, how I couldn’t handle it and how everything I did was wrong. Why would I tell him that I am failing just like he said I would? Never would I admit A/H was right about something.

Since we have divorced A/H has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be involved in the day to day raising of our child. I had tried to involve him via email and I never get a response. I have told him about Son’s surgeries, when and where so he could show up. He never does. His life is too important to take time out for his child. It has gotten so that I don't tell him about anything beforehand, just give him the results.  I still haven't told him about the visit to CHOP.  And other than telling  him that I was enrolling Son in therapy, he has no details as to why we are going.

I am tired of being the one to decide if Son needs to go to the Drs and if so, which Dr to take him to. I am tired of being the one the school calls when they have a problem with Son, the one who has to take off of work to go to the child study team meetings, to do the research into better goals for the IEP, the one who has to work on the homework and the school projects. Just plan tired of being the only parent.

I resent the fact that he can live his life without having to worry about his child.  There are times I wish I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, not have to plan my life around babysitters and summer camp schedules.

I DO like the fact that he comes every other weekend to take Son and babysit him. I get a break. I am looking forward to when Son goes for an entire week for vacation! I need that break to be the best mom I can be.

Another resentment I am harboring against him is because he has moved on. He has a girlfriend; someone to share his life with. I have Son. Don’t get me wrong, I would NEVER give up Son but it’s not the same type of relationship.

Recently, a good friend from high school was in the area and we hung out a few times, texted, and flirted a little. I REALLY enjoyed that, the adult friendship, the conversations and the fun. Then my friend went home. And while I miss my friend, what I am missing more is what he reminded me that I don’t have in my life. All because I have not moved on and because I am continue to harbor resentment and hatred. (Friend, thanks for everything! I loved spending time with you!  You will always have a very special place in my heart!)

So. There is my heart. But by acknowledging all this crap, I can talk with Vickie about it and work with her to find a way to let go of my resentment and move my life forward in a positive way.

There will be another post about my hatred but I think that one will wait until Son is not home. That one is going to hurt me to think about, admit and express. Better to unleash that when Son is not around for the aftermath! :)