Where's My Mission?

When I was in high school and college, I did anything I wanted with in reason. In my senior year of high school I worked full time, attended high school, took college classes AND had a social life. Ok, so I didn’t get much sleep, I didn’t have a child or a house to take care of, I still lived at home and Mom did my wash.

While finishing college, I was still a full time student, worked full time and moved out of my parents house and shacked up with my bf. If there was something I wanted or needed, I busted my butt for it. My goal was to finish college and get a house and a good job. Which I did. I had a good friend who called me a Bitch With A Mission. He meant it in a good way.

I bought my first house when I was 22, moved in with my bf, married him a year or so later. The house needed work and we were going to do it ourselves. But I was slowly loosing my Bitch with a Mission attitude. I wasn’t as into fixing up the house as I should have been, money became an issue and Mom was sick, and getting sicker.

I guess my mission changed. It became paying the bills, taking care of the house as best I could, and taking care of Mom. With taking care of Mom, my marriage suffered, I didn’t give my all to it. Actually, I would when there was a crisis in it. Not good.

Then we decided to have a baby and along comes Son. Along with him there was more stress on the budget, the house didn’t get the work it needed, Mom was gone and I had Dad to worry about. So much less time for my marriage, no wonder he roamed. Again, my marriage was OK when in crisis mode. My mission would go from Baby, Dad, and house to Baby, Marriage, House and Dad.

Eventually, dad remarried, my marriage failed, and Son was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. My mission became survival (for me) and getting Son what he needs to be successful.

Just the other day, Neicy and I were talking about my mission. She said that I still am a Bitch with a Mission, just that my mission is for others. When Son needed therapy, a week later, he had it. The same thing with dad and his health problems and the changes to his life that he needs to make to be healthier. I am helping out around his house and the compound more so he doesn’t do it. And of course, anything Neicy needs, I’m there for her.

Where did my mission for ME go? Over the years, I have landed lower and lower on the list of missions to complete. I mean, I realize that Son needs to come pretty high on the list but does that mean I have to be so far down that I am not even on the same page?

And then, if I were going to move ME up on the list a bit, WHAT would my mission be? I think back to things I liked to do and I wonder if I ever really liked them or was it just because my ex was the one calling the shots.

So, more soul searching for me. I am going to make a list of things that I liked doing in the past and am going to try them again and see if it was ME that liked doing it or not. I also am going to explore other hobbies and activities to see if there are other things that I would like to experience. Got any suggestions?

My Mission (and I am accepting it!) is to figure out ME, to put ME on the same page, if not just a few lines below Son. This week I am going to be pretty near the top but only until Son gets home.