School is back in session and I am happy yet angry at the same time. Son and I are in therapy and things were going very well DURING the summer. When there weren’t responsibilities of homework and schedules were looser. In my zeal to make sure everything runs smoothly and gets completed, I turned into a tyrannical nag. Which of course Son didn’t like and fought me. Life sucks.
So at our last visit with the therapist, I let loose. I complained all about everything and how I was miserable and didn’t want to do this anymore. Son bounced right back at me, complaining about me and my nagging. It was like a married couple. I need to someone in my life! Ugh.
So Vickie told me that for the next 2 weeks, I am supposed to let him do things his way. I am to provide food, shelter and clothing. Nothing else. I am supposed to stop controlling everything he does, let him figure out how to get it done. If it doesn’t get done, he is to pay the price for it. If he doesn’t get ready for school on time to get the bus, he is supposed to walk there. I also am supposed to document the success and failures. I am good at documentation!
She wants to see if he really can handle things or if he needs other interventions. This is a test for him as well as for me.
This is hard for me. I am a control freak. I like to control everything around me. Its my security, the source of my strength. But I am trying to let him do what he has to do and not get upset when things don’t get done. Take tonight for instance, he got his homework done but didn’t write up his reading. I reminded him once that he had things to do still and left it at that. I reminded him once that he needed to get in the shower, which he didn’t but I just sent him to bed when it was time.
There has been very little fighting and most things are getting done. He will be staying in for recess tomorrow because he didn’t bring home some homework.
I have been kicking myself since our meeting. I feel like I have failed at this mother thing, feeling like I can’t handle this mothering thing. Does it really matter HOW things get done? Do they REALLY have to go according to MY plan or can his way work too? Besides, if I let him take responsibility for himself, won’t I have more time for ME? Plus the added benefit of less stress and conflict. Do I really need to control everything in his life?
The answers to these questions are what I have to work on accepting, for my sanity and the health of my relationship with my child. Plus, it will probably benefit my future relationships.
So I still have work to do on myself. Lots of work.
well that is certainly an interesting tactic...never tried that one...hmm...
ReplyDeleteyes, take it easy, amy. i would also encourage you to not think of it as "nagging" -- because it has an icky connotation to it. you are concerned. i think a lot of times that word holds a lot of fear ... fear Son will get in trouble, fear Son will get bad grades and fail or fear that you will look like a bad mom. it sounds like Vickie is trying natural consequences, so see how it goes and report back at the next session. another thing ... sometimes kids get sooo upset about the parents and control, but i think there is a part of them that likes the assurance that you are there.
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