Sunday, November 21, 2010

How do you know?

how do you know when to throw in the towel on something?  when do you decide that this isn't working anymore and there seems to be nothing to do to change it?  most importantly, how do you see past your broken heart to do what is best for someone else?

I sit here on this lonely Sunday night in tears with a broken heart.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.  And thanks to schedules this week, I don't think I will have the time to take care of things and find answers.

After a horrendous weekend with much yelling, punishments, taking away of favorite toys, I sat down to have this conversation with Son:

Me: I can't do this anymore.  Its not fair to either of us to live with all this yelling and anger.  I have done everything that I know to do in order for life to get better for us here.  Do you have any suggestions?

blank stare from Son. 

Me: My only other suggestion is for you to live with your dad.

Son: can that happen?

Me: We have to go through the courts to change custody and he said he would take you.

Son: Would I still see you?

Me: Every other weekend just like you do with your Dad now.

Son: I'd miss Jaxon.  Can I take my toys?

Me: No.  They'd be here for when you visited.

Son:  I like your shirt.

I just threw up my hands and walked away.  I don't know if he wants to live with his dad or not.  All I know is its not fair to either of us to live as we are.  Miserable. 

And I won't get into my sense of failure as a mother right now.


  1. oh amy -- big hugs to you. i'm so very sorry you are going through this heartwrenching process. you are certainly not a failure of any kind -- you have put a lot of effort into improving things on the homefront, and some things are going to be far out of your control. what i do know is that you need a huge helping of self-care to calm your mind. you have so much going on right now, and i know it must be so frustrating to respond so flatly :(. if he only understood how your heart is hurting right now ......

  2. ugh...its hard to understand kids...esp those with aspergers...i know that his diagnosis might have changed to ADHD but still...have you tried engaging him in an activity while talking to him...a lot of the kids i work with i have to do that to get them to focus on keeps them from getting scattered...

  3. Oh Amy, i wish i could come and give you the big hug you deserve. If nothing else take you out so that you would not be so lonely. It pains me to see you this way. Understanding their little head is a really hard thing to do. Chin up, things go up too, i know it seems like only down sometimes but up does come. I promise.

  4. This is when the blogosphere is so hard...this is heartbreaking but I could never presume to weigh in on such an important decision. I can only say that I'm thinking of you and hoping that things get better, whatever happens.

  5. Oh this makes my heart break for you. Really and truly break.

    I haven't read your blog for a long time. Most importantly I haven't read your archives so I don't know but a fraction of your story. Please forgive my presumptivenss in saying the following:

    From what I have learned, you seem to be the more conscientious parent. You are the one fighting for solutions and answers. You are the one putting your son's entire life under the microscope. You are the one striving to make the best decisions in the present that will determine his future. You are on the front lines of his war.

    You are clearly not getting the help you need and deserve from his father. He is leaving this all in your hands, while trying to bound them at the same time. He leaves all the decisions up to you only to force you into changing them. Or worse. I can't help but think he will not work as hard FOR your son if he is in his primary care.

    My fear for you is this. If you let your son live with his dad and yours son's issues are left in his far from capable hands things will get worse for your son, not better. Then you'll be on the outside. You wont be the able to champion his cause and fight for whats best for him. You will get weekends that are so much worse than what you deal with now, becuase he will be worse than he is now. As hard as this is for you now I only think it will be so much harder from outside the circle looking in.

    Amy, if I have made things worse by saying this, I am truly sorry. This is on of the hardest decisions a parent can make. I am speaking out of concern if also out of turn. You seem like a brave and amazing woman. But you are understanably exhausted. The thought of letting his other parent take this burden is so very very understandable. We would all be asking the same question.

  6. Oh Amy, this is so so sad! What a hard decision to have to make! I know I don't know much, but I do get the feeling that you are a fantastic, loving, caring, patient mother. Never doubt yourself. I hope you get this situation resolved, and without too much heartache!

  7. I know you'll make the right decision, but please make sure that the struggles you're having are really worth only seeing your son once every 2 weeks. And remember that if you do change custody, things will be done your ex's way. Can you live with that?

    I'm not trying to say it's the wrong decision. I just want to make sure you look to the big picture before deciding. No matter what you decide, we're your friends and will support you! Big hugs!


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