Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Gone Missing

Yes, I've been missing for a long time.  I just haven't felt like doing this.  To be honest, I still don't but I need the therapy. I've missed making the rounds of my favorite readers but just haven't had the gumption. 

I need to come back.

I need the therapy of this space but I've been afraid to put anything "real" out here because I have family that I know read this and I don't want them to worry about my state of mind.  (I'm not crazy, yet) But I need to get somethings out of my head and heart.  I need this space to be MY PLACE to vent, cry and express what might be shocking thoughts in my head.  I need to stop being afraid of other peoples reactions to my crazy thoughts and feelings.

For the Family Readers: I want to put it out here that I am FINE.  Really.  This is mostly venting of irrational thoughts that keep bouncing around in my head.  I need to put there here to get them out of my head and to get validation that I am "normal" with some of these thoughts.  I am doing the best I can to cope with another crappy situation that life as dealt to me. These are my feelings and this is MY space to put them here.

This is just the start of my therapy and "real" thoughts/posts.  I will include some cute photos of the animals and Jakes.

Some tidbits of irrational thoughts:

Loneliness in the new place/life.  Yes, I am lonely in the new place.  I love the new place, I am safe and warm.  I am lonely.  I have wonderful friends who are doing their best to get me out of the house.  I am working on this.

Dad and Cancer.  Dad's cancer is growing, especially the liver stuff.  The liver plays a part in regulating the blood counts. If the blood counts are whacked enough, they can't give him the chemo that could possibly reduce the liver disease so that the liver can do its job to help regulate the blood counts.  Round Robin.

Did I mention I am not ready to be involved in another parents care through this wonderful disease? Not that I have much choice. But here is the old anger at this disease and God for thinking I can handle this.

Funeral Planning.  No, its NOT time for this but I can stand in the shower and think of the pictures I want to put out, the list of people who might be able to help carry the casket, all the other stuff that might be relevant to funeral planning.  Totally irrational and it needs to get out of my head.

Bridget Jones.  One of her favorite phrases "single-ton".  I am sick and tired of being single.  I want to be part of a couple. But I want it to be a healthy couple.

Bottom line:  I am a mess.  Again. And I hear my bed calling me.  I'll grab the tissues.


  1. Oh I am sorry you are having a rough time of it ~ but know this really IS normal to be feeling in times like this . It is hard enough when you go through a break up and to have a terminally ill parent as well can be so overwhelming. Know that is it okay and good to get it out of your head and share your feeling , they are normal feelings and people care.
    Hang in there . Glad to know you have good friends. Get out whenever you can and be around people , share with those you feel comfortable with . Most people do understand.

  2. oy, i am sorry you are lonely...after spending time in the space of another it is hard...and so is putting yourself back out there in hopes of meeting someone. but i know it was for the better...and that in the right time you will find someone. its good to see you though. smiles.

  3. Hang in there. Life can be tough sometimes. :(


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