I was talking with our staff psychologist about work life and home life. He’s meet Jakes and helped to guide me through some of the tough times. Dr. Bruce is a great person and does a wonderful job with keeping our counselors sane, which is not easy with some of our clients.
Today, I showed Dr. Bruce pictures of the Compound. He fell in love. If I didn’t live in an apartment, I bet Dr. Bruce would be begging to move in there when I move.
After talking with him today, I assigned myself homework. He was questioning me to make sure I have REALLY thought out leaving the Compound. I think I have considered all the aspects of leaving the Compound. Following is my "homework."
The betrayal of my ex and the divorce was very traumatic for me. I was living in the home we had created together, the home where good and bad things happened. I also couldn't afford to keep the place and make the improvements that were needed. I needed the love and support of my family close around me. Don't get me wrong, they were there for me every step of the way but at the compound they could be there all the time.
Anyway, with the wonderful view and of course being surrounded by family was something I desperately needed after my divorce. I needed a place of my own, where I could heal and have the loving arms of my family around us. Having instant babysitters living upstairs was another perk.
I had been with my ex since I was 17 years old. I didn't know ME. I needed the time and a safe place to be able to figure out who I am, to become the wonderful mother and woman I know I am today.
For a while now, I've been a bit annoyed with some things at the compound. Little things that were worth overlooking. Things like everyone there knowing my business almost before I do. Having to check in with my parents when I leave the house. Having to take care of Kathy and/or her dogs when they go away.
For a while, I have been jealous of my brother and step siblings. They all live away from the parents and have their own lives. yet here I am, expected to take care of them and everything around the compound. I want a life of my own. Not one that's centered around my parents and the compound.
I want the option of being able to come and go without having to check in with my parents. the option to not take care of someone else, other than my immediate family (AZ, Jakes, JR) I want space and freedom.
There are things about being here that I will miss. The view. The closeness of my parents. I know, I can't have space and freedom but still be close. I'll have to work on that one a bit more.
Recently, AZ and I have been talking about moving from this little piece of paradise. Even before AZ moved back home, I was thinking about moving. At one point, I considered moving to AZ. At least with AZ here with me I won’t be moving too far away from my Dad.
AZ’s son is enrolled in high school in a neighboring town and we’re trying to figure out how to get him back and forth to school in September. That is the biggest reason for us to think about moving or at least to consider moving to the next town over. AZ needs to check with our school district to see if they can help with transportation.
I know that by moving it will change the dynamics of my relationship with my parents (and Kathy) but I will be 15-20 minutes away. That's about how far away I was when Mom was sick and dying. I won't be on the other side of the world, or even the country. the changes in my relationship with my parents will become one that is closer to that of an adult child. Its time for me to grow up and fly away.
I will miss the view and the easy access to the beach and fishing but my parents will still be there and I know I will be invited back on occasion. I am not looking to desert my parents, I still want them in my life but just at arms length instead of over top of me.
AZ has said numerous times that he wants me to be absolutely sure that I'm ready to leave Dad and everything at the compound. Neither of us has said "I want to make this work with you, I want to be with you" or even "I love you." But, the fact that we have talked about moving together and that he wants me to be sure I'm ready to leave means something to me. We have talked about where we want to be, how many bedrooms we'll look for and many other things concerning the move.
I do have some reservations about moving with AZ. I am used to having my place and if I move with him, we'll share our home together. But what if something happens between the two of us? I could be left without a place to live, I could be left with a place I cannot afford on my own. But there are ways to fix that. I have proven that I can land on my feet and be successful.
Overall, I think I have given thought to all aspects of this situation and I am comfortable and even looking forward to what the future could hold.
Do you think there are things that I haven't considered?