I am tired and weak today. Son and I had a major blow up. He always argues with me, its part of the Aspergers. Its been getting worse lately and I have been working with the Autism Center to get help.
Today was AWFUL. The day started out just like any other, me nagging him to tell me what he wanted for breakfast and lunch. After asking him for 15 minutes, I told him that I was going to make the decision for him. He would have to eat whatever I felt like making. He got nasty with me, saying that he wasn’t going to eat what I made and other stuff. I told him that’s fine, you will be the one who is hungry, not me.
He continued to argue with me that he should get what he wanted and he wasn’t going to accept anything less.
I lost it. I told him that I hated living here with him. No mother should hate her child but I do. I cried. I yelled some more. I said some pretty inappropriate things to him. I don’t regret them yet but I will.
He got ready to walk out the door to walk to his other grandparents. I forbid him from going. He got smart with me. I spanked him. He cried and screamed he wanted his father. I told him that his father doesn’t want him other than on weekends. I asked him how it felt that neither of your parents don’t want you around. Maybe you should think about why that is.
I was harsh. But I am at the end of my rope. I have no more strength left to fight him with. I feel horrible that I don’t like my child. What kind of mother hates to be with her child? Put me in the class with that mother who shipped her adopted child back to Russia.
I don’t know what else to do other than to sit here and cry. And hope that I find the strength to fight with him again after work. And then again tomorrow morning. And every day after that.
What kind of a life is that? And is there a time when you have tried everything and just have to give up and accept that its not going to change?