For the next 30 days, I am going to write the complete and utter truth about myself. Here is day 3
If you missed previous days, go here.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Because I am good at beating myself up, I have a lot to forgive myself for. I think the biggest thing I have to forgive myself for is the failure of my marriage. Its been 4 years since the split and my life has never been better. But I still feel like I failed.
I put up with his girlfriends (three that I know about), his mental abuse (mooing like a cow when I walked by, 8 months pregnant) and his lies at the end (he said if I went into counseling and changed he might decide to stay but he never had that intention). I put up with being the breadwinner, the full time mom, housekeeper, cook and handyman.
Why would I want to stay in this marriage you ask? Because he had made me think that I NEEDED him to be able to live a good life, that without him I would fail. I also felt that my mom would have been disappointed if I failed at my marriage.
I busted my butt in therapy to change for him. Because he said if I could make him happy, he might stay. I learned three things in therapy, one being how to recognize irrational and rational behaviors (mainly in myself), that major life decisions have to be made out of love for the people it will affect, and that I can only be responsible for MY happiness. There was no way I would be able to make him happy when HE didn't even know how to make himself happy. I am betting he still doesn't but he's no longer my problem.
I have forgiven myself for the failure of my marriage (most days) because I have a wonderful life that I have created since the divorce. Because of the divorce and all the trauma associated with it, I am a strong and competent woman. I am a woman who knows she can make it on her own, doesn't NEED a man to make her happy. But if I could find someone to share life with, I'm ready. You hear that Universe? I'M REAADDDDYYYYY!!!