Frustration

My jaw hurts. Why you ask? Cause I am clenching it ALL THE TIME. Especially when the kid is around. I have so much anger and frustration from dealing with him that I clench my jaw and make my whole face hurt. Then I get more frustrated by that.

Whenever he is around, I am angry. Angry at his grades, his attitude, his mouth, his just being here; it all makes me angry. And I don’t know how to stop being angry.

I don’t want to be around myself, let alone other people. Neicy and I went to the mall over the weekend and I found myself clenching my jaw with her. Not that she was doing anything annoying, it actually was the most relaxing thing I have done since GNO.

On Friday, after Jakes left, I just shut the world out. I locked the door, turned off the lights and watched TV. I don’t even remember what I watched so I think what I actually did was zone out.

I had a chance to go to Kimber’s this weekend but I just didn’t feel like driving up there and having to be nice. I just wanted to wallow in my own anger and self pity. I’m pretty sure Kimber is a little annoyed with me because I didn’t explain why I wasn’t coming up.

I didn’t even want to chat with my friend in AZ. If I could just crawl under my desk and stay there for a very long time, I would. I know that I am depressed.

Unfortunately, I’m a single mom who works outside the home. We Mom’s don’t get vacations or sick time or self pity time. Right now I LIKE going to work. It’s the one place where I feel like a person. I don’t have to worry about my kid and what stupid thing he is going to do to piss me off. I dread going home when I know he’s there. Most of the time, I don’t answer my phone when he calls me after school.

This weekend while Jakes was away, I tried to get my mind in order and anger free. By Sunday evening, I was feeling pretty good. Jakes came home, we had dinner with the family and 5 minutes after we were home by ourselves, I was angry at him again.

I hate that I can’t talk nicely to him, everything I say seems to have anger behind it. I haven’t said anything nice to him in probably a week. Maybe longer. Its no wonder the kid is mouthy and hateful to me. That’s how I have been to him.

I don’t want to feel this way. I have to STOP feeling this way. I have to stop acting this way with him and the rest of the world.

I have started meditating again. I suck at it. But I will get better. I am going to make sure I get at least 15 minutes of sunshine every day that the sun is out. I am going to start exercising regularly. All of these things were prescribed by my therapist when I was diagnosed as depressed.

I don’t want to go back on depression medication. I want to try to make this work without it. Its so hard to get off of it once you start on it. And I don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life or through Jakes teen years.

I have to change how I think about him and his behaviors. Most of his behaviors are caused by the Aspergers with ADHD and he has no control over them. Since he has been on the medication, I think I have felt that he should be able to control them and I have changed how I think of him. Since he is on medication, he should be the perfect child, with the perfect grades, with the perfect attitude, right? ADHD medication is a miracle drug. At least that must be what is in my head.

But he still has Aspergers with ADHD. He still has the same impulse control, inattention and socialization issues as before the medication was started. These symptoms have improved with the medication but they are still there. I have to remind myself that while he is better, he still has Aspergers with ADHD and therefore he might not be able to control himself.

I  have to change my thinking and classification of Jakes and his behaviors. I have to find the patience and make the effort to change out I interact with him. I have to do this before one of us looses our minds. And it would probably be ME!