Sunday, March 6, 2011

Frustration

My jaw hurts. Why you ask? Cause I am clenching it ALL THE TIME. Especially when the kid is around. I have so much anger and frustration from dealing with him that I clench my jaw and make my whole face hurt. Then I get more frustrated by that.

Whenever he is around, I am angry. Angry at his grades, his attitude, his mouth, his just being here; it all makes me angry. And I don’t know how to stop being angry.

I don’t want to be around myself, let alone other people. Neicy and I went to the mall over the weekend and I found myself clenching my jaw with her. Not that she was doing anything annoying, it actually was the most relaxing thing I have done since GNO.

On Friday, after Jakes left, I just shut the world out. I locked the door, turned off the lights and watched TV. I don’t even remember what I watched so I think what I actually did was zone out.

I had a chance to go to Kimber’s this weekend but I just didn’t feel like driving up there and having to be nice. I just wanted to wallow in my own anger and self pity. I’m pretty sure Kimber is a little annoyed with me because I didn’t explain why I wasn’t coming up.

I didn’t even want to chat with my friend in AZ. If I could just crawl under my desk and stay there for a very long time, I would. I know that I am depressed.

Unfortunately, I’m a single mom who works outside the home. We Mom’s don’t get vacations or sick time or self pity time. Right now I LIKE going to work. It’s the one place where I feel like a person. I don’t have to worry about my kid and what stupid thing he is going to do to piss me off. I dread going home when I know he’s there. Most of the time, I don’t answer my phone when he calls me after school.

This weekend while Jakes was away, I tried to get my mind in order and anger free. By Sunday evening, I was feeling pretty good. Jakes came home, we had dinner with the family and 5 minutes after we were home by ourselves, I was angry at him again.

I hate that I can’t talk nicely to him, everything I say seems to have anger behind it. I haven’t said anything nice to him in probably a week. Maybe longer. Its no wonder the kid is mouthy and hateful to me. That’s how I have been to him.

I don’t want to feel this way. I have to STOP feeling this way. I have to stop acting this way with him and the rest of the world.

I have started meditating again. I suck at it. But I will get better. I am going to make sure I get at least 15 minutes of sunshine every day that the sun is out. I am going to start exercising regularly. All of these things were prescribed by my therapist when I was diagnosed as depressed.

I don’t want to go back on depression medication. I want to try to make this work without it. Its so hard to get off of it once you start on it. And I don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life or through Jakes teen years.

I have to change how I think about him and his behaviors. Most of his behaviors are caused by the Aspergers with ADHD and he has no control over them. Since he has been on the medication, I think I have felt that he should be able to control them and I have changed how I think of him. Since he is on medication, he should be the perfect child, with the perfect grades, with the perfect attitude, right? ADHD medication is a miracle drug. At least that must be what is in my head.

But he still has Aspergers with ADHD. He still has the same impulse control, inattention and socialization issues as before the medication was started. These symptoms have improved with the medication but they are still there. I have to remind myself that while he is better, he still has Aspergers with ADHD and therefore he might not be able to control himself.

I  have to change my thinking and classification of Jakes and his behaviors. I have to find the patience and make the effort to change out I interact with him. I have to do this before one of us looses our minds. And it would probably be ME!

8 comments:

  1. sorry you are having it rough...i know it wears on you...glad you got that break though...so what is it that angers you? how does his beh affect you? is it lost opportunity? shame? these are the questions i would wrestle with to get to a root cause...you may not be able to solve it but it may help you alleve some of the frustration...sorry i went all psychobabble on you...smiles.

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  2. From what I have read of the adhd medications, they could hardly be called a miracle drug,maybe the opposite. Why are you so angry at your son? I hope things get better soon. Blessings jane

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  3. Hey Girl, Depression sucks, I know I suffer from it too and right now mine is real bad. This crappy weather is not helping, once this weather gets better I think it will help some and we can get each other in gear and out of our houses.
    As for Jacob, I think allot of the anger you have is more because of the AH than it is your son. AH is not helping, and he should be, he's not stepping up and being there for his son, and he should be, and you are struggling to handle Jacob by yourself each and every day and it's not fair. AH should be stepping in and asking what he can do to help and he's not. As for the ADHD meds, no they are not a miracle drug, but like you said they do help some, so you have to try to look at that as a positive and go from there.

    I'm always here if you need me, you know that. Just a phone call away.

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  4. You know, I admire your honesty here. It's good that you're voicing these feelings.

    You know me, usually I am full of suggestions, but not this time. This time I just want to say that I support you. I hate that you're feeling this way.

    I know depression. I know anger. I know frustration. I know exhaustion. None of these feelings are easy to get out from under.

    It's good that you took this weekend to turn off, it wouldn't be good if that was always your solution, but sometimes you have to wallow in the much before you can crawl out of it.

    good luck my friend

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  5. You know, I admire your honesty here. It's good that you're voicing these feelings.

    You know me, usually I am full of suggestions, but not this time. This time I just want to say that I support you. I hate that you're feeling this way.

    I know depression. I know anger. I know frustration. I know exhaustion. None of these feelings are easy to get out from under.

    It's good that you took this weekend to turn off, it wouldn't be good if that was always your solution, but sometimes you have to wallow in the much before you can crawl out of it.

    good luck my friend

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  6. I take meds for depression and I can't imagine getting through life without it anymore. I don't think you'd be failing at ALL if you went back on them. They really do help take the edge off. I'm sorry things are so tough lately...

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  7. I think I may need meds. Hearing you talk about about how you feel is helping me see things clearer.

    Your kind words on my blog today were so sweet.

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  8. I feel like this myself sometimes. I love my kids so much, but sometimes I feel like they have been put here to drive me insane. And it builds and builds until I can't take it - even when they aren't doing anything wrong.

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