Monday, August 1, 2011

Letter to JF - resentments

Dear JF.

As I sit alone in the various waiting rooms at the hospital with Jakes, I am reminded of one of many reasons I resent you and how your choices in life still affect Jakes and myself. I sit here alone watching the other parents waiting together for their child. Who knows if they are all intact families or not, it doesn’t matter if they are or not because they are both there for a reason, to care for their child.

When you left, you not only left our marriage and family behind, you left fatherhood behind as well. You are somehow able to walk away from being a father and not seem to have any regrets over it. Yet you seem to have this inflated sense that you are a superior parent to me. You can’t be considered a parent if you are not there for the child in as many situations as possible.

Over the years, I have kept you informed of stuff regarding Jakes, doctors appointments, therapies, medications, surgeries, child study team meetings, report cards. Never once have you responded that you would be participating in anything to do with Jakes, other than your every other weekend, every other Friday and alternating holidays. Most of the time you don’t even acknowledge that you have received my emails with the information.

Never once have you offered to take Jakes for more than your set times, never once have taken him on vacation with you, never once have you shown up for anything to do with his school and only once did you take him for any of his therapies. It’s to the point where if Jakes wants to do something, such as tubing on the River, he’ll ask me because he knows that you will say “No.” Your son KNOWS that you don’t want to do things with him unless its something YOU want to do.
I will admit that for the most part you have been very flexible with switching weekends or taking him extra when I ask. But only when I ask. It’s like you pretend you don’t want to share your life with your child. Like you’d rather pretend you don’t have a child other than when it works for you.

Maybe that's the problem I have with you, your refusal or inability to share your life with Jakes. I live my life around Jakes. You live your life and don't seem to incorporate him into it. Do you incorporate anyone into your life or do you just expect everyone to live theirs to make you happy?

It seems to me that you are interested in playing father when it’s convenient for you or when you think you can make my life more difficult; such as with medicating Jakes. I had 2 doctors saying that he would benefit from medication for ADHD and you’re telling me to try something else. I had given you chapter and verse of what I had tried with Jakes, what had failed and even asked you to tell me what else you’d like me to try. I never received a response for what else to try. Instead, I had to go to the courts to get an order to medicate my child.

For the past year or more, I’ve been struggling with Jakes behaviors. I have asked for help from you and gotten either no response or told that you are too busy. Yet, when things between Jakes and I exploded and other agencies became involved in helping Jakes and I, you choose this chance to threaten me with taking my child. When the in-home therapist wanted to talk with you about Jakes therapy and progress, you choose to ignore those messages as well.

In a rare email, you complained to me about how mean and miserable Jakes had become on the first medication. By the time you complained about it, he was already off that medicine. Don’t you think it would have benefited him for you to notify me when you first noticed the changes? How is that supposed to help Jakes when you complain too little, too late? Or is that just your passive/aggressive way of making it my responsibility instead of yours?

The way the aftermath of how Jakes seizure was handled was atrocious, in my opinion. Why did you wait so long to call me to let me know he was in the ER? Why did Kim feel the need to hide in the bedroom when I was there seeing Jakes? How immature is she? While I am not happy that she was the only one with him for the majority of his hospital stay, I am happy that she took such good care of him until one of his parents were able to be there with him.

And when I needed more information about the seizure, you chose to ignore that request as well. It’s as though you think I am asking for this information just to bug you. Believe me, I don’t want to engage with you anymore than I have too.

For the most part, I have given up trying to engage you as his father. I had a wonderful father and for many years, I have hoped that you would be a similar father to Jakes or at least be involved with him. Someday, I will be able to accept that you will never be the father I wish for Jakes. There are times when I think I have accepted it and then you fail him once again. The most recent is from yesterday when I let you know about his surgery. It was on a Wednesday and you are off on Wednesdays. You didn’t even have to take the day off if you wanted to come and be with him. And to send a text three hours AFTER I told you he was fine, unacceptable in my opinion.

I have friends who are fathers and when their kids are sick and/or in the hospital, they have moved into the room with their kids and their ex’s. Everyone plays nice for the well-being of the child.

I don’t see you as failing me, I see it as you failing your child. He’s not going to know the security of having a father there when he’s sick or when he succeeds in school or at therapies. He will learn eventually that he is your second choice.

As you read through this, take note that my resentments are for your parenting, not for the fact that you chose to leave me. I resent you for how you treat our child, how your life comes first, not Jakes.

******  I am printing this and plan to light it on fire and send the ashes into the universe in the hopes that some, if not all my resentments will float away with them.  ******


  1. a great, great letter.

    its a long ways down the road but there will be a time when jakes is old enough and has gained enough wisdom to see his father for what he is.

    i am so sorry that this is the person you have to share a child with. but you do an amazing job with what you've got.

  2. i know this was therapeutic to write...i feel you...and i am sorry...i do hope that by some chance he reads...

  3. I'm sorry that he isn't the kind of father that you had hoped for. I'm also hoping that Jakes doesn't realize it as acutely as you do.

  4. Why are some people even able to have children???? I feel for you. I am raising my three grandchildren and it kill's me to think my own daughter cant even send them a birthday card and hasnt seen them for six (6) month's.
    God bless you and keep you strong dear one.

  5. I hope writing it and lighting it on fire helps. It's hard to let it go when it's still going on.

    Like Blueviolet, I hope Jakes doesn't realize just how deeply and wrongly he is treated by his 'father'.

  6. As I read this my heart is sad for you and your son. I like you had a wonderful father and that's what we all want for our kids. Maybe some day soon your x will grow up. I think you should send this letter to him.


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