Happy Valentine's Day

Wishing Each of You a

Happy Valentine's Day

I hope you are able to spend it with the ones you love!

Certain Very Hot Places Are Going to Be Getting VERY Cold.....

Ok. So first I want to apologize for any freak weather occurrences next week. And I want to put out there that it's not ALL my fault. I can't possibly have the kind of power to influence the entire worlds weather patterns.

I can however influence SOME areas. I have been in talks with A/H through email about making changes that will benefit Jakes and us. Scary huh?  And we seem to have a deal.  Of course, I got snippy with him in the last email cause he was asking stupid questions that were answered in previous emails.

We started out talking about how to pay for the braces that Jakes needs and we have progressed to making serious changes to the visitation schedule.

By the end of the month everything should be set. The child support will be adjusted to reflect his portion of payment for the braces and Jakes will be set to spend every other summer with his dad and visit me on the weekends.   There are other little things in there but I still feel that I have to upper hand in the negotiations.

I am looking forward to some down time this summer. This last year has been difficult mentally and emotionally for me and Jakes. We are certainly on a good path now and I have confidence that we will continue that way.   Especially if I get the summer off.  It is Summer yet?

Courage

“Come to the edge,” he said. “No, we will fall” they replied. They came to the edge. He pushed them… and they flew.

With Valentines Day approaching, love is everywhere; TV commercials and movies, in the stores and on the radio. Everyone is talking about love and finding love. I think all the Matching services are having free weekends from now to Valentines Day. I’m even seeing the love theme in my Thoughts of the Day emails.

The expression of real love is so easy between grandparents and children – and between good friends it passes effortlessly. I have no problem letting Neicy and Kimber know how much I love them. I have no problem letting my parents and Jakes know how much I love them. It effortless to love these people who share my life.

But why is it so hard for me to share that love with someone other than my family? Why have I been so reluctant to put myself out there to find someone to love?

Kimber went through a messy divorce shortly after me and she is getting married in 72 days. She has found the perfect man to share her love. What does she have that I don’t?

COURAGE. She has Courage. You need courage to face your fears, to go against conventional wisdom and be oneself.

Being in love and sharing love with a spouse or lover is hard. Allowing that person into your heart takes great courage and trust. After being hurt terribly, I have a huge fear of being in love with someone, of loosing ME, and of being hurt again. I have lacked the courage to put myself out there to find someone to love and be loved by.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the willingness to move forward in spite of that fear. I have not had the courage to feel and face my fear and so it has grown to a point where I don’t know that I can ever find enough courage to surpass it.

I suppose, as with addiction, the first step is to acknowledge that I have this fear. Done!

The next step is to stand up to my fear and remind myself that I am not willing to live the rest of my life without someone to love and share my life with. I will embrace my dream of someone to snuggle up with, watching TV, making dinner together, and yes, even having to share my bed again.

Paint

Jesse loved her room.  She loved to rearrange her room regularly.  Almost every time Cassie would come over to spend the night, they would work together to rearrange things.  One weekend, they painted the room as well as rearranged it.

They painted it from a pretty girlie pink.

To Smurf Blue

What a change it was!  Jesse and Cassie had a great time working together to get everything put away, the walls prepped and painted.  Jesse's mom was going to make frilly white  lace curtains for the windows.  The room was going to be lovely when they were done.

After spending the day painting and chatting about boys, high school and the next dance, it was time to clean up.  They gathered everything to take outside and use the hose.  Jesse dabbed paint on Cassie's face with the paint brush and took off running.  Cassie had the hose and squirted Jesse as she ran away.  Both girls were laughing and giggling.  Jesse kept trying to get closer to Cassie to paint her some more but Cassie had a good aim with the hose.  Jesse was flinging the paint brush and roller full of paint at Cassie.

Finally, when they were exausted from laughing and chasing each other, they surveyed the damage to each other.  Jesse was soaked from head to toe.  Cassie looked like a smurf.  She was covered from head to toe in paint.  And what fun they had that afternoon.

To this day, they still joke about the smurf blue room and the paint fight.  Love you, Cassie!


This story is a part of Theme Thursday.  Head over there to check out the other Paint Stories.

This years Plunge

Well, we did it!  Jakes, Neicy and I took the Plunge into the COLD Atlantic Ocean again.  As usual, it was great fun and Neicy and I went in 3 times each.  We always have to go in for the intial plunge but since there are SO many people running in and out of the ocean at the same time, its impossible for our friends to get pictures of us in the water.  So we go back and pose for the pictures.

It was actually VERY warm on the beach, 49 degrees and SUNNY! We hung out on the beach for quite a while waiting for the official call to swim.

The we went in.  HOLY CRAP Was it COLD!  I went in about to my waist and before I got past my ankles my feet were numb.  This was my second time going in.  I made Neicy go with me so we could get pictures.

Jakes was probably the smartest one of us all, he only got his feet wet and decided that was enough.  :)  Gotta love the smart ones.

Me and Neicy after the Plunge.

They estimate that there were over 20,000 people in Rebohoth this weekend for the events.  I am sure they raised major money to support the Special Olympics of Delaware.  And Neicy, Jakes and I will go back next year for another dip in the freezing Atlantic!

Fighting

I’m tired of fighting.

Fighting for my paycheck (thankfully that seems to be resolved for now)

Fighting Jakes and his behaviors. (since he’s almost a teen, that’s not going to end soon)

Fighting his tool of a father over EVERYTHING. (that’s never going to change)

On one hand, I want to fight this latest set back and on the other, I just want to give up. The court ordered that since I benefit from Jakes therapy, that his father doesn’t have to pay his full portion. According to the formula, he pays about half of all Jakes medical bills. With this new court order, he has to pay half of that half for the therapy. So I am stuck paying 75% of the therapy bills. It doesn’t matter that A/H could come to ALL the therapy sessions and benefit as well. But because he chooses to be a piece of crap father, I get stuck with the bill.

Hardly seems fair, does it? Not only do I get stuck with the higher bill but I get to transport Jakes, re-arrange my work schedule to take him while A/H gets to kick back and enjoy his life. And think up ways to screw with me.

In a way, my anger is not about the money. Ok, its somewhat about the money. I could use that money, especially when I don’t get paid. But mostly its about HIM getting OVER and not having to take FULL responsibility as a parent ONCE AGAIN.

So not only did the court rule in his favor, A/H is threatening to take me back to court to have me provide transportation for HIS parenting time weekends. REALLY? How much am I supposed to give to this man that left our family for another woman and her children? To this man that would walk behind me and moo like a cow cause I gained weight? To this narcissistic, controlling piece of crap that FOUGHT me on giving our child medication that was recommended by not one but TWO respected doctors.

I was trying to work with him to resolve the braces and transportation issues but now I am so pissed off, I don’t want to. But would that be what is best for Jakes? For me? I don’t know yet. Still pondering what my next move is going to be.

In chatting with my BFF Kimber, she has suggested that if I stop fighting him and trying to “win”  and "make him pay for leaving me" in every situation, I might find happier-ness (is too a word!) with my life. She is not suggesting that I cave in for everything, especially not the important ones like Jakes and his medication. Kimber was suggesting that maybe some of the issues that I choose to fight tooth and nail for are minor ones. When I shared with her about the transportation stuff, she felt it was a minor one and that I should consider giving in. I didn’t give in just because she said so; I was considering it anyway, just because I am tired of fighting.

So we’re back to that. I’m tired of fighting. I can’t wait for vacation in May.

Vacation Plans! And other random thoughts thrown in for fun.......

In all this cold winter weather, I am planning vacations to WARM places!  And I can't wait. I am so sick of winter weather.

My first vacation is going to be in May to Arizona!  My neighbor Kathy's granddaughter is graduating from high school and Kathy wants some company on the plane ride.  And since I have a friend that lives near Kathy's family, I'll be tagging along and visiting him!  And it will be WARM!  Woo ho!

The next vacation will be to Hawaii in November.  HEAVEN! I was there in 2006 and I have wanted to go back ever since.  If I could afford to move there (and stop being chicken about moving) I'd be there in a minute! 

Because the international AA convention is held in Hawaii every year, there are fabulously cheap vacation deals for that week.  When I went in 2006, it cost me $995 for 7 days and 8 nights and included airfare AND hotel.  All I had to come up with was food and souvenir money.  I have a call into the same travel agent to get the flyer for this years conference.  Hopefully it will still be around the same price.

Oh and you don't have to attend the AA conference at all.  Just benefit from the cheap travel package.  If you are interested, let me know and I'll share the flyer when I get it!

Of course, all this will happen only if I am still employed.  I did finally get paid and they are telling us that we will be ok for future payrolls but I have trouble trusting them.  Wonder why?

I have SO many weeks of vacation time that I will probably be taking a week or two off with Jakes in the summer, which will reduce the cost of summer camp.  Woo ho!

Speaking of Jakes.  He managed to get himself suspended from the bus last week.  His side of the story is completely different from the principals.  sigh.  His behaviors have changed since the medication.  In some ways, he is SO much better behaved and in others he seems more combative and hostile.  He is especially hostile in the mornings before his medication has had a chance to kick in.  Make me wonder if this medication is doing it. I hope not but if it is, there are plenty of others out there that we can try.

Recently we increased the dosage amount a little bit.  It seems to be working as far as his concentration and focus.  He is doing much better in school and is so much better at complying with instructions.  But if the increased dosage is making him hostile and combative, that is worse than before.

I am looking for other employment but am not having much success.  I want to find a company that is financially stable.  This one is not anymore.  Of course, my job is to write grants and beg for money which would help make it more financially stable.  And I have been!  It's hard to get money in the door when all the companies are saying they don't have any money either.  Oh well, I'll just keep begging!

Jakes needs braces.  Not a surprise as he has been wearing a retainer for over a year now.  Of course, with the braces comes expense.  With expense related to Jakes, comes having to deal with his Tool of a father.  He is threatening to take me to court for the things he lost in the last court date.  He even maintains that he has consulted a "layer" which I believe is a lawyer to the rest of the planet.  His spelling and grammar are horrible.  So far, he's proposed something and I've proposed something.  I am still waiting for him to get back to me if everything is ok.

I'm about to take on the Judge from our last court date.  I just received a court order where A/H doesn't have to pay for medical bills.  This modifies what was said and ordered in court two weeks ago.  I have a HUGE problem that this was done without my having a chance to argue for it.

So, Anyway, I have work to do and you have to jump over to Keely's for more Random Thought Tuesdays!