Santa Claus is Comin to Town

On the river in front of my house

Santa is between the house and the tree.

Hi Santa! 

Hurts Do Heal

I love the Thoughts of the Day that I get in my email at work.  There are days when just the right thought comes in.  This one came in a couple of weeks ago, I printed it and taped it to my printer as a reminder.

Time has a way of marching on and taking away bad feelings and softening the bad memories.  Whatever has been real and meaningful tends to remain with us - the rest gradually fades away.

I know this is true for many things in my life.  I have shared the story of Jakes birth - the talk of C-section; Mom feeling bad that I might not "experience labor"; labor starting at Mom's viewing; leaving the graveyard to go to the hospital; the COMPLETELY natural child birth experience.  I remember the details leading up the the hospital but not much after that.  I mean I remember certain parts of the delivery, holding him in my arms and all that.  I remember there was pain but its just a fague memory 11 years later.

The same happens with emotional pain.  My divorce was emotionally traumatic  for me.  Overtime, some of the pain has dimmed.  Some of it is brought back to the surface when my ex is stupid.  I can only hope that all of the pain diminishes as time goes by.  And I can't let it be painful forever.  I WON'T let it.

The situation with Jakes and his behaviors has been another painful time.  But I know that once we are settled in what ever treatment we are meant to be in, time will help to fade this to a distant memory as well.

I cannot allow myself to dwell on my wounds otherwise I won't move forward with my life.  By not dwelling on them, I will heal quickly.  There is no room in my life for self pity.

In the meantime, I will remember that what hurts today will pass in time.  I can speed its departure by refusing to indulge in self-pity.

I'm BAAACCCKKKK!!! I think...

First things first. When you're done here, go check out The Un Mom.  She hosts the Random Thought Tuesday Stuff.

Here goes.

I have been MIA lately.  Other than when I needed to VENT.  I think I am going to be back.  I have finished all my grants. I only have 2 contracts to get together and they are basically download the forms, fill in the blank and get the Big Boss to sign them.  I can't believe I did 17 grants in 3 weeks.  Thankfully, it was a lot of copy and paste! 

I have missed you guys!  I hope I still have readers left!

I spent ThanksGiving Weekend painting three HUGE rooms with Neicy and earned enough money (not accounted for in the budget, free to spend on a "toy" money) to get an iPad.  I will be going to the Mall tomorrow to pick one up.  I can't WAIT! 

Thanksgiving weekend, I also cleaned all the carpets in my house, my parents house as well as my furniture and the car floors and seats.  Remember, I have an 11 year old BOY and a DOG.  YUCK!

Speaking of the BOY, things have not been easier with us lately.  Bummer.  I have a court date for January 14th and my motion papers are THE BOMB if I do say so myself.  I did an awesome job filling in the blanks and since there is a new judge, the history of Jakes.

At his parent teacher conference I asked for a report from his teachers on his behavior at school.  His homeroom teacher will be sending it home tomorrow!  I LOVE being in a small school!

Choir practice is tonight.   Its getting exciting!  I have my dress, which needs to be hemmed.  We have dress rehearsal next week.  Tonight promises to be a long night.  The harpest will be with us the next two weeks.

My friend in AZ called again last night.  Things are still pretty hard for him right now but he seems to be handling it better.  His Mom will be out there for a bit to help him.  I wish I could help him more but all I can do is be there when he needs to talk.  And to remind him that I am here for him when he needs me.

OMG!  Time to go home!  Time flies when you are as busy as I have been.   See ya later!!

The Parent Teacher Conference

I actually remembered that I had the Parent teacher conference today.  I know, I have an iPhone that should be reminding me of everything in my life but first I have to remember to put my life INTO the thing.

Anyway, I show up in homeroom and while we are waiting for the other 2 teachers, Mrs L tells me that Son has Internal Suspension tomorrow.  Really, Jakes didn't mention that on the phone at lunchtime, nice.  The story goes that he was in gym class, didn't like a call that was made in the game, got mad and threw the ball in a girls face.  OMG!  The girl is fine, thankfully.  This is not his first outburst, just the first violent one.  So far.

That's when I started crying.  Is that all I do lately?  Seems like it.  All I could think about was the email from A/H telling me that he thinks I am desperate and trying to take the easy way out.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.  But that email came in minutes before I went to the parent teacher conference.

So I fought for control so I could bring the teachers up to speed about the testing and the recommendation for medication and the court date.  They said that they see a lot of distractedness, impulsively, and just plain rudeness from him in the classroom.  They asked questions about our home life and how much involvement A/H has with Jakes.  The one teacher, the one who taught me, was disgusted at how A/H is using his child in this way.  He asked how many therapy sessions A/H had been to, if he attended parent teacher conferences in the past, which of course he hasn't.

There are so many ways that Jakes is being affected by his behaviors that I didn't even realize until today.  Who wants to play or be friends with someone who may react violently if something doesn't go his way?  Some of the kids have found a way to egg Jakes on, to get him to act or talk in a way that will get him in trouble, just for laughs.

What kid wants to be in trouble all the time?  Especially for things that he just cannot control.  He does something wrong at school, gets yelled at there, comes home and does or says stuff wrong and gets yelled at here.  Who wants to live like that?  But his father doesn't see any of this because he doesn't interact with his son, even on the weekends they are together.  Because he doesn't have any trouble with him, no one else should either.

Jakes is very rude and disrespectful to his classroom aid.  He doesn't want her but its been explained that he needs her in order to do well.  I chatted with him briefly tonight about why he has her still, reminded him what her role is in the classroom.  We played a couple games of Tic-Tac-Toe during break at choir practice.  He seemed to be on the same page with me, answering my questions about what he thought should be acceptable behaviors with her.  Tomorrow after dinner, we'll work on his science project and work out some ways that he can try to change his behavior toward her.

The good thing about the conference is that the teachers know about the diagnosis and the proposed treatment, as well as the pending court date and they are all going to write up their observations of Jakes in the classroom.  I will be able to submit this information to the courts along with the Drs reports and recommendations.  Once again, A/H will look like the ass that he is in the eyes of the court.

I just have to remain sane until January.  And stop crying.

Random Thought Tuesdays. LOVE it!

Ya'll know what to do.  Click on over to Keely's!

I don't got much, but its gotta come out.

Thank you for all the great comments on my pathetic, lonely post over the weekend.  You guys are the best and did remind me that I would loose more than just Son living with me.  I think one of my new coping skills will be to read through your wonderful words to help remind me of what I need to think about and to help lift me out of my pity parties.  I also have scheduled a session with my therapist in addition to the help I am getting with therapy for Jakes.

I gave his father a deadline of last Friday to give me his decision about medicating Jakes.  I, of course, did not hear ANYTHING from him.  So I am filing with the courts to get the courts permission to follow the Doctors recommendations.  I also am going to ask that the child support be reduced because the premium for the medical insurance was DECREASED (how'd that happen?!?!?) by $39 per month.  WOW!!!

My parents are away on vacation this week.  I hope they are having a good time!  Dad was feeling under the weather over the weekend before they left so things could be dicey.  His Drs are playing with his medications and it takes time for his body to adjust and during that time he feels like crap.  But doesn't want to admit it.  Blockhead!  :)

I have a good friend on my mind a lot lately.  He lives in AZ, half a country away but is going through some REALLY tough stuff.  He has a lot on his plate and no one close by to help out.  I wish I could do more than just listen but that's all I'm meant to do for now.  Send some good vibes to AZ along with me, ok?

Neicy is going through some tough stuff too.  She broke up with her bf of many yrs a week ago.  We knew it was coming, things haven't been good between them for quite some time.  Neicy is a tough one.  She'll come out of it just fine.  In the meantime, I'm listening to her complain and be down in the dumps.  I mean she supported me through my divorce and is still there for me now. 

My plans for Thanksgiving are all made.  I called a restaurant and made reservations for us.  Then I found out that my boss was going to the same place at the same time!  I hope they don't seat us next to him.  ugh!

I better get working on my grants.  I only have 5 1/2 to get done before early next week.  Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

Don't forget to go click over to Keely's.  She is hosting this Random madness!

The Graduate

Jaxon graduated Doggie Obedience School tonight.

He was 4th in the class and the teacher said that was quite an accomplishment for a Jack Russell Puppy.  He lost points for the long sit and the long down.  Its just not in Jack's nature to sit and be still.  Not to mention he's only 9 months old.

We celebrated with a bowl of kibble and a rousing game of tug of war.

Way to go Jax!

How do you know?

how do you know when to throw in the towel on something?  when do you decide that this isn't working anymore and there seems to be nothing to do to change it?  most importantly, how do you see past your broken heart to do what is best for someone else?

I sit here on this lonely Sunday night in tears with a broken heart.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.  And thanks to schedules this week, I don't think I will have the time to take care of things and find answers.

After a horrendous weekend with much yelling, punishments, taking away of favorite toys, I sat down to have this conversation with Son:

Me: I can't do this anymore.  Its not fair to either of us to live with all this yelling and anger.  I have done everything that I know to do in order for life to get better for us here.  Do you have any suggestions?

blank stare from Son. 

Me: My only other suggestion is for you to live with your dad.

Son: can that happen?

Me: We have to go through the courts to change custody and he said he would take you.

Son: Would I still see you?

Me: Every other weekend just like you do with your Dad now.

Son: I'd miss Jaxon.  Can I take my toys?

Me: No.  They'd be here for when you visited.

Son:  I like your shirt.

I just threw up my hands and walked away.  I don't know if he wants to live with his dad or not.  All I know is its not fair to either of us to live as we are.  Miserable. 

And I won't get into my sense of failure as a mother right now.