I'm BAAACCCKKKK!!! I think...

First things first. When you're done here, go check out The Un Mom.  She hosts the Random Thought Tuesday Stuff.

Here goes.

I have been MIA lately.  Other than when I needed to VENT.  I think I am going to be back.  I have finished all my grants. I only have 2 contracts to get together and they are basically download the forms, fill in the blank and get the Big Boss to sign them.  I can't believe I did 17 grants in 3 weeks.  Thankfully, it was a lot of copy and paste! 

I have missed you guys!  I hope I still have readers left!

I spent ThanksGiving Weekend painting three HUGE rooms with Neicy and earned enough money (not accounted for in the budget, free to spend on a "toy" money) to get an iPad.  I will be going to the Mall tomorrow to pick one up.  I can't WAIT! 

Thanksgiving weekend, I also cleaned all the carpets in my house, my parents house as well as my furniture and the car floors and seats.  Remember, I have an 11 year old BOY and a DOG.  YUCK!

Speaking of the BOY, things have not been easier with us lately.  Bummer.  I have a court date for January 14th and my motion papers are THE BOMB if I do say so myself.  I did an awesome job filling in the blanks and since there is a new judge, the history of Jakes.

At his parent teacher conference I asked for a report from his teachers on his behavior at school.  His homeroom teacher will be sending it home tomorrow!  I LOVE being in a small school!

Choir practice is tonight.   Its getting exciting!  I have my dress, which needs to be hemmed.  We have dress rehearsal next week.  Tonight promises to be a long night.  The harpest will be with us the next two weeks.

My friend in AZ called again last night.  Things are still pretty hard for him right now but he seems to be handling it better.  His Mom will be out there for a bit to help him.  I wish I could help him more but all I can do is be there when he needs to talk.  And to remind him that I am here for him when he needs me.

OMG!  Time to go home!  Time flies when you are as busy as I have been.   See ya later!!

The Parent Teacher Conference

I actually remembered that I had the Parent teacher conference today.  I know, I have an iPhone that should be reminding me of everything in my life but first I have to remember to put my life INTO the thing.

Anyway, I show up in homeroom and while we are waiting for the other 2 teachers, Mrs L tells me that Son has Internal Suspension tomorrow.  Really, Jakes didn't mention that on the phone at lunchtime, nice.  The story goes that he was in gym class, didn't like a call that was made in the game, got mad and threw the ball in a girls face.  OMG!  The girl is fine, thankfully.  This is not his first outburst, just the first violent one.  So far.

That's when I started crying.  Is that all I do lately?  Seems like it.  All I could think about was the email from A/H telling me that he thinks I am desperate and trying to take the easy way out.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.  But that email came in minutes before I went to the parent teacher conference.

So I fought for control so I could bring the teachers up to speed about the testing and the recommendation for medication and the court date.  They said that they see a lot of distractedness, impulsively, and just plain rudeness from him in the classroom.  They asked questions about our home life and how much involvement A/H has with Jakes.  The one teacher, the one who taught me, was disgusted at how A/H is using his child in this way.  He asked how many therapy sessions A/H had been to, if he attended parent teacher conferences in the past, which of course he hasn't.

There are so many ways that Jakes is being affected by his behaviors that I didn't even realize until today.  Who wants to play or be friends with someone who may react violently if something doesn't go his way?  Some of the kids have found a way to egg Jakes on, to get him to act or talk in a way that will get him in trouble, just for laughs.

What kid wants to be in trouble all the time?  Especially for things that he just cannot control.  He does something wrong at school, gets yelled at there, comes home and does or says stuff wrong and gets yelled at here.  Who wants to live like that?  But his father doesn't see any of this because he doesn't interact with his son, even on the weekends they are together.  Because he doesn't have any trouble with him, no one else should either.

Jakes is very rude and disrespectful to his classroom aid.  He doesn't want her but its been explained that he needs her in order to do well.  I chatted with him briefly tonight about why he has her still, reminded him what her role is in the classroom.  We played a couple games of Tic-Tac-Toe during break at choir practice.  He seemed to be on the same page with me, answering my questions about what he thought should be acceptable behaviors with her.  Tomorrow after dinner, we'll work on his science project and work out some ways that he can try to change his behavior toward her.

The good thing about the conference is that the teachers know about the diagnosis and the proposed treatment, as well as the pending court date and they are all going to write up their observations of Jakes in the classroom.  I will be able to submit this information to the courts along with the Drs reports and recommendations.  Once again, A/H will look like the ass that he is in the eyes of the court.

I just have to remain sane until January.  And stop crying.

Random Thought Tuesdays. LOVE it!

Ya'll know what to do.  Click on over to Keely's!

I don't got much, but its gotta come out.

Thank you for all the great comments on my pathetic, lonely post over the weekend.  You guys are the best and did remind me that I would loose more than just Son living with me.  I think one of my new coping skills will be to read through your wonderful words to help remind me of what I need to think about and to help lift me out of my pity parties.  I also have scheduled a session with my therapist in addition to the help I am getting with therapy for Jakes.

I gave his father a deadline of last Friday to give me his decision about medicating Jakes.  I, of course, did not hear ANYTHING from him.  So I am filing with the courts to get the courts permission to follow the Doctors recommendations.  I also am going to ask that the child support be reduced because the premium for the medical insurance was DECREASED (how'd that happen?!?!?) by $39 per month.  WOW!!!

My parents are away on vacation this week.  I hope they are having a good time!  Dad was feeling under the weather over the weekend before they left so things could be dicey.  His Drs are playing with his medications and it takes time for his body to adjust and during that time he feels like crap.  But doesn't want to admit it.  Blockhead!  :)

I have a good friend on my mind a lot lately.  He lives in AZ, half a country away but is going through some REALLY tough stuff.  He has a lot on his plate and no one close by to help out.  I wish I could do more than just listen but that's all I'm meant to do for now.  Send some good vibes to AZ along with me, ok?

Neicy is going through some tough stuff too.  She broke up with her bf of many yrs a week ago.  We knew it was coming, things haven't been good between them for quite some time.  Neicy is a tough one.  She'll come out of it just fine.  In the meantime, I'm listening to her complain and be down in the dumps.  I mean she supported me through my divorce and is still there for me now. 

My plans for Thanksgiving are all made.  I called a restaurant and made reservations for us.  Then I found out that my boss was going to the same place at the same time!  I hope they don't seat us next to him.  ugh!

I better get working on my grants.  I only have 5 1/2 to get done before early next week.  Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

Don't forget to go click over to Keely's.  She is hosting this Random madness!

The Graduate

Jaxon graduated Doggie Obedience School tonight.

He was 4th in the class and the teacher said that was quite an accomplishment for a Jack Russell Puppy.  He lost points for the long sit and the long down.  Its just not in Jack's nature to sit and be still.  Not to mention he's only 9 months old.

We celebrated with a bowl of kibble and a rousing game of tug of war.

Way to go Jax!

How do you know?

how do you know when to throw in the towel on something?  when do you decide that this isn't working anymore and there seems to be nothing to do to change it?  most importantly, how do you see past your broken heart to do what is best for someone else?

I sit here on this lonely Sunday night in tears with a broken heart.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.  And thanks to schedules this week, I don't think I will have the time to take care of things and find answers.

After a horrendous weekend with much yelling, punishments, taking away of favorite toys, I sat down to have this conversation with Son:

Me: I can't do this anymore.  Its not fair to either of us to live with all this yelling and anger.  I have done everything that I know to do in order for life to get better for us here.  Do you have any suggestions?

blank stare from Son. 

Me: My only other suggestion is for you to live with your dad.

Son: can that happen?

Me: We have to go through the courts to change custody and he said he would take you.

Son: Would I still see you?

Me: Every other weekend just like you do with your Dad now.

Son: I'd miss Jaxon.  Can I take my toys?

Me: No.  They'd be here for when you visited.

Son:  I like your shirt.

I just threw up my hands and walked away.  I don't know if he wants to live with his dad or not.  All I know is its not fair to either of us to live as we are.  Miserable. 

And I won't get into my sense of failure as a mother right now.

Bring Me the Ball, Jaxon

Jaxon loves to play fetch!

What a cutie!

More Input, Need Input

I am so frustrated with everything at the moment.  We had our first session with the new/old therapist Val and Jakes was bouncing all over the place.  When he stepped out for a bathroom break, she asked me if this was normal or if he was showing off.  I would like to think some was showing off but this behavior is becoming regular.  I am so frustrated with his behavior at home, I am still trying to use the technique Val told me about, but I need to practice.  I am still yelling more than I want to.  I need time.  I need to stop being so hard on myself.  I need a vacation.

Son's father is frustrating me as well. I have sent him everything I have on Jakes, all the reports, my stories about his behaviors, any reports from school that I have.  EVERYTHING.  And its still not enough for his father.  He insists I have a better report than what I have sent him.  He says he doesn't have enough information to make a decision.  He says I didn't give him a report from the old therapist.  I offered to get it for him but he never responded that he wanted it.  So I called the agency to see how I can get it.  They want $15 for it.  I am not paying it.  If he wants the report, he can pay it and make arrangements to get the report.  I have signed authorizations for him to be allowed to contact the therapists and Doctors but he never does.  I done spoon feeding him information.  If he wants it, he can get it himself.  Grow up and be a responsible parent.  Of course, this will end up with us in court and will delay any improvement Jakes could make on the medication.  But I am done holding his hand and guiding him through stuff.  I am not his wife (thank you!) or his mother.  Handle it yourself.

On a good note, Jakes pediatrician said that if I can get him the psychiatrists evaluation, he would monitor Jakes medicine for us and we can see whatever therapist we want.  Woo ho!  That was easy!

I did something stupid.  Well, it didn't seem stupid at the time but......  I have always wanted to review grants.  I write them but I want to see how the end process works.  So when an opportunity for reviewing grants came up, I signed up and went through the training.  I now have 16 grants to review by Friday.  ugh.

Since I have so much to do, 14 grants to write by 12/2, I better sign off and get typing!

Friday Fragments

Just another quick check in!  Yesterday I spent some time with the new/old therapist Valerie.  She wanted to do an intake and get caught up on what was going on with Jakes and I.  I took a recent picture of him with me and she couldn't get over how much he has grown up.  Its been a coupla years since we have been to see her.  So I brought her up to speed on some of the stuff that has driven us to therapy and everything.  She gave me a technique to try with him.  I did try it this morning.  I only yelled once.  And when I caught myself yelling, I stepped away for a break.  And reminded myself of what I am supposed to be trying.  And I tried it again.  It worked.  I should get a gold star, right? 

Not only does he get positive reinforcement for his better behaviors, I should as well.  And I will reward myself.  I have to take care of me too.

I sent more information to Jakes father about the ADHD diagnosis this morning.  I also asked him for a compromise on using the meds.  I asked him to allow a trial of a month on the meds to see if there is any improvement.  If he agrees, I can start the meds quickly.  If he doesn't agree, I will have to file with the courts and I don't really want to do it that way.

Neicy and I went shopping yesterday.  GAP was having a 30% off sale.  I got 2 new tops and I love them!  They make me feel pretty!

TD Bank sucks.  They are charging for coin counting if you don't have an account with them.  This just started 11-1.  Cheapskates!  Now I have to figure out where I can get my coins counted, for FREE.

Kimber has finally decided on her Bridesmaids dresses.  They are beautiful and will look good on everyone.  Not me.  I have told her that I don't want to be in her wedding.  I am going to be her honorary matron of honor.  I'm there for her.  And she knows it.  So, I am going to Kimber's again this weekend.  She is having a party for her wedding party to meet each other.  Its going to be fun!  And Jaxon will get to play with her dogs again.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Testing

I just downloaded a new app for my phone and am checking how to use it

Miracles Are Kinky Too

Today was the day for what I was hoping to be my miracle.  Today was the day we visited the shrink.  When asked, Jakes said he didn't know why we were there.  When asked, I went into chapter and verse of what's been going on.

The Dr had read the report from CHOP, which included the results of all the tests they gave us when there so she had a pretty good background and assessment.  She of course asked the normal questions about home life and school, looking for tell tale signs of difficulty.

Jakes, meanwhile, was putting on a performance for her.  He was bouncing in the chair, tossing a throw pillow, butting into the conversations, and just generally being a pain and embarrassment.  I tried to correct him a little but not too much.  I wanted the Dr to see what I deal with.

In less than 45 minutes, I had a diagnosis of ADHD, combined type and her verdict that he is spoiled as well.  She was ready to write the Rx for the medicine when I opened mouth and inserted foot, telling her that Jakes father doesn't want him medicated.  That stopped the entire process right there.  Now she needs either his verbal permission or a court order to write a script.

In one of my emails to Jakes father I mentioned the evaluation for medication and he was adamant about not medicating his child, try something else.  Yeah, like I haven't tried it all.  But in that same email, he agreed to switching therapists.  I will be sending him the bills for his portion of Jakes therapy. 

I didn't argue with him over his opinion of not medicating his child.  I just told him we would discuss it when/if the diagnosis came back with a recommendation for medication.  I was proud of myself for not arguing.  What was the point when we didn't know where it was going.  Now we do know so now the arguing can begin.

So tonight when we got home, I emailed his father with the information about the visit and the medication she is recommending.  I am still waiting to hear from him for an answer.

I also called my attorney to see if she thought there would be a problem with getting court approval for the medication if necessary.  She said if its recommended by a Dr and is not something that will jeopardize his life, there is no doubt that the courts will order the medication.  She also said it would be a good chance to make him look like a jackass in court, again.  Since I have been able to do that each time we have been back to court, its become fun!  The biggest problem with going to court is that with the holidays we probably won't be able to get in before the beginning of January.

If I don't have to go to court, I still have to find a way to get the Rx.  I do not want to continue with this Dr and the agency where she practices out of.  Its the agency with Vickie and I am in the process of leaving her for Valerie. (Jakes is excited to see Valerie again!)  The agency has a policy that if the shrink is giving you Rx, then you have to be seeing one of their therapists.  Its a good policy because if you are on these kinds of medications, you should also be getting cognitive behavior therapy (CBT).  But since I don't want to continue with Vickie, I can't get the Rx from this shrink. 

I am hoping that I can go to his pediatrician for the medication and see Valerie for the CBT.  This is something I will be discussing with Valerie tomorrow at the Intake appointment.  And of course with his pediatrician.

So I think I got my miracle.  I just need to work out a few kinks.

I'm taking my toys and going home.

I am going to whine again so if you don't want to read a whiny bitchy post, I won't be offended.  I don't want to write one but it might be therapeutic.  We'll see.

I am just plain tired.  Tired of fighting, tired of having to find the strength.  So tired I am not even going to finish this post.  I'm taking my toys and going to bed.

Thanksgiving a bit Early

Yesterday was Thanksgiving at The Compound.  No, we don't live in our own little time warp. We celebrated early because my parents are going away Thanksgiving week and this was the last weekend we are all going to be together before the big holiday.



The Table.  I made everything on here.

I also made reservations at a local restaurant for the three of us on Thanksgiving Day.  My parents are on their own!

Checking in some randomness

I wanted to share our Halloween pictures so they are interspersed here.



My Angel, Jaxon



Last week was SO productive for me!  I got 4 out of 6 applications written and the other 2 have been submitted to my boss for approval.  I also finished up the company newsletter and started on a BIG application that is due at the end of the month.  But that also means a road trip to headquarters is on the agenda for Monday probably.



Neighbor Nancy



At home, Son is still being a pain and I can't wait to start therapy and get the evaluation with the psychiatrist done this week.  Son's father has also stepped up to being a pain.  I have asked for more help with Son, asked him to take Son more, and offered Thanksgiving to him even though its my holiday this year.  I have heard NOTHING from A/H.  Not even an acknowledgement that he got my emails and text messages.  Last night I sent ANOTHER email telling him that Son wants to stay with me on Thanksgiving and that I would be keeping him.  Today I get an email from A/H telling me that "that won't work.  I want him on that day.  I will be there to pick him up and 10 am, have him ready."  Are you kidding me?  Since when do I take THOSE orders from HIM?  Not since 2006!  I sent back a nice email telling him that its MY holiday and I will be exercising it.  If he shows up, I will call the police and have them explain to him about trespassing laws.  And I want to thank him for his help in parenting.  Asshole.



My Whoopie Cushion



I see a court date in my near future.



ESM - she went as a politician



Today, I am cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for The Compound.  Dad and ESM (evil stepmom) are heading out on vacation Thanksgiving week so today is the last day we will all have together before Thanksgiving.  Its going to be YUMMY!



Abby and Tina dressed for Halloween too



This week, Son goes to the Shrink (I am calling her a shrink, not for negative connotation but because its easier to spell!) for his evaluation and I will meet with the new/old therapist without Son.  She wants to talk with me to see what's going on and where we need to go.  Of course, where we need to go may change depending on what the shrink says.  I have packets of past testing and other reports ready for both professionals.



The Witch of the Neighborhood



ESM pointed out to me today that I have no life.  Gee, thanks!  She wanted to remind me that my life revolves around Son and his needs and my job.  Yes, I go out with my girlfriends once in a while but I don't go on dates or anything like that.  Well, who has time (or feels like it) to when I have to fight with Son for EVERYTHING.  SO after that little chat, I really love my life!  humph.



The Haul
Yes, someone gave Son Velveeta and Hot Dogs.
That was his favorite stop of the night.

So, that's me just checking in.  I have to go check the turkey and fold laundry!  What fun!

YIKES!

I don't have time anymore!  As I have said before I am a grant writer for a non-profit agency.  Usually, I have time to blog from work.  I'd write a little, get frustrated, read some blogs, and go back to writing.  Well, at the end of the year, most of our funding sources have figured out how much money they have for programming for the next year, this is my busy time of year.  When I left work yesterday, I only had 3 applications due before Thanksgiving.  When I came in today, I found out I have another one.  Needless to say, I am not going to have time to blog from work.

I hope to have time to blog from home but with starting therapy on the 19th (yes she moved us up!) as well as after being on the computer all day at work, I might not feel like making the rounds.

Please don't be offended if you don't hear from me!  Its not intentional and I WILL BE BACK!  After the holiday!  If I don't have carpel tunnel from all the typing I have to do! 

See you REAL soon!

Skittles Vodka Rocks!

I had the BEST weekend!  So happy that I took off for the North!  Jaxon did well in the car, no puking and he even fell asleep on the ride home.  Of course, with all the playing with the other doggies he did, its no wonder he couldn't keep his eyes open!

My weekend started with sending Son off to spend the weekend with his dad.  My ESM (evil step mom) and I dressed up as a witch and a clown and headed to church.  Yes, church on Friday in costume!  There was a wonderful concert called "Tunes from the Crypt" in one of the old churches in town.  This amazingly talented woman plays all the scary songs on the pipe organ and its a huge deal here.  ESM and I were almost the only ones dressed up, after the concert started a man in a full mask came in and enjoyed wandering around the church.  He even made the front page of the newspaper and we STILL don't know who he is!



ESM said to make a Witchy Face



After the concert was over, I packed me and Jaxon up and headed North.  Kimber and I played with her iPad (I WANT ONE!) and looked over her wedding stuff. We got caught up on girl talk, introduced the doggies again and just relaxed.

Saturday morning, we ran some errands, looked for some Bling for Kimbers costume and then headed home to work on Skittles Vodka!  Brittany from Barefoot Foodie wrote this post about it and I shared it with Kimber.  She made the vodka and we strained it. 

Skittles Vodka in Progress

We stashed this in the cooler to take to the Halloween Party and started getting ready.  Kimber and Dale were King and Queen.  I was a clown. 

Kimber thought we were going to a Halloween Party when in fact, Dale, Michele and I all lied to Kimber so we could get her to her Surprise 40th B-day party!  She was SO surprised!  All her friends and family was there, the food was fabulous and we danced ALL night long! 

When the party ended, we adjourned back to Kimbers for skittles vodka!  We mixed it with a little Sprite and it was yummy!  Of course potent too!  I won't post pictures from this because I have a family blog and there was nakedness and dog molesting at the party.  Not fit for a family blog.  lol

We all finally crashed on our couches and beds.  In the morning everyone headed out for their day.  Kimber and I went to the party place to get the decorations and have a Girls Only lunch.  Yum!  After lunch, I packed Jaxon and me up to head home.  He slept and I drove.  I wanted to trade spot with him but he wouldn't wake up.



Sweetness!

Blogger is annoying me so Tomorrow's post will be about Halloween at my house!